Used to saying gtfo but I’m married now. Idkwtd

Hello. I am a very stubborn woman. I have never put up with bullshit from a dude. I’ve always had my own place, moved out when I was 16, and have always had the ability to tell a bf to leave if I was over the bs. I’d move on no problem and that was my life. Then my husband happened and I made this beautiful, amazing commitment to him, for LIFE.

We have known each other for 7 years, dating almost 3 and married for 8 months. I knew of his past, hell we met when he called his family, that I was with, in 2011 from the prison he was in since 2008. We became pen pals and shared everything. I knew of his previous drug history and what actions he took that sent him away for 8 years of his life. I never judged him for his past, we all have one n have all made some pretty fucked up mistakes. Anyways, in the 5 years that we wrote and spoke on the phone, I learned of the man that he had become behind bars. He had acquired over 30 certificates by taking classes, took college courses and graduated with an associate degree holding a 4.0 through it all and most importantly, he was clean for the entire thing. He was the brightest light in such a dark place. An all around amazing human that cared for so many. He and I are so alike it borders on crazy. A few years into writing each other we realized we have the exact same “Your Name” tattoo in the exact same place, our right butt cheek!! If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is!! Lmao. He came home 8/16/16 and we began our life together on the outside. He met my son, he moved into my home and we got married. He has a great job and makes $70,000 a year, he is an amazing husband and loves “our son” and myself to no end. I would have put my entire life on the fact that he had turned his life around for good.... Until this weekend happened. Now I. Am. Devastated.

We went to a concert and had some drinks, he much more then me. On the way home we got into a stupid argument and he got out of the car yelling “fuck you” to me. He has NEVER spoken to me like that before, ever. I tried to keep him in the car but he tore himself from my grip and bounced. So, me being me I didn’t flinch n drove home. He was hardly a mile away, fuck it if he wants to walk then walk, I don’t chase people. Got home n let the puppy out. Started feeling bad because he’s out there drunk n had no shoes on. (He took them off during the car ride) so I text him and asked if he was ready to be picked up yet.... the screen shot is below. His response put a major crack in what I thought I knew of my husband. I immediately got in the car, hunted him down and brought him home. I was LIVID at this point and decided to take the dog for a walk while I calmed myself down before I said another word. When I got back to the house, my husband was gone and so was his truck.. He ended up being out all night, from roughly midnight and didn’t return home until almost 3pm the next day. He had left his phone so there was no way of contacting him.... I checked our bank accounts and he was making all these sporadic cash withdrawals. $80 at midnight, $60 at 3am, $100 at 5am, another $100 at 8am and that’s when I shut his cards down. I knew from the locations of the withdrawals and the repetitiveness what exactly he was doing. He fucking chose to smoke crack. He went back on everything he vowed to me. He took my trust and faith in him and fuckkkkking ruined it. I am so hurt, ashamed, pissed the fuck off but mostly scared. I am so scared for the future with this man that I never would have thought would return to this life.

Currently he is home and my wedding rings still sit on the coffee table where I threw them the night he was gone. I can’t bring myself to put them back on but I can’t bring myself to divorce him, just yet, either. To me, marriage is for life. But my son. I cannot allow this to be in my sons life, he is my first priority above all else. My husband said he is so sorry, that he understands he fucked everything up and he does not want to do what he did again. I just do not trust that this will never happen again. He said he will no longer drink, that it sparked something in him when we argued and he was drunk. That it made him feel like “fuck it” I told him that this cannot EVER happen again and if it ever does he will lose me and our future. I will divorce him if he ever makes this choice again. I don’t know what to do right now. I am so broken. What I thought was his past is now our reality. Threw tears I write, My husband is a crack addict, he left me for a day like I and our future meant nothing to him to go binge on crack. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I feel dirty, I don’t want him to touch or kiss me. I don’t want to lay in the same bed as him. We were trying for a baby, he is such an amazing father to my son. Now, I all I can see is the possibility of having two shit ass baby daddies. I don’t want to try anymore, not now and I don’t know if I ever will again. My heart actually hurts and my stomach is so sick I can hardly eat. If I leave him now, I have no doubt that this will become a bigger problem for him. I can’t walk away while he is so low, basically kicking him when he is already down. I am his wife threw good times and bad, right?? God, I love this man, he was my home, my comfort up until this weekend. This fucking crack addict, my husband. WTF is wrong with me?? I feel so disgusted with this entire situation. I am so unsure of our future together and it hurts so bad. I don’t know what to do. I guess I just needed to tell my story. I cannot believe this is my life right now. I am married to a crack addict. God that fucking stings. I am so thankful my son was at his dad’s house this weekend. Please pray for us, for my husband, for our son that has known my husband to be the best father figure he has ever had, and for myself. I need strength and guidance because I’m so broken and lost.

God, please, help us all.