Ok so on Monday my boyfriend of a year and nearly three months were planning on going to a hotel for our first time. When he got to my house, he asked if we could sit down. He started crying and I thought something had happened in his family or work again and I asked h what was wrong. He couldn't look at me for a a while but then finally did and said "I think we need to break up." I don't understand why though. I mean we were talking and hanging out days before and the day before and he seemed so happy with me and for the hotel. He said that he just can't the pressure of my depression anymore and he feels he's the only reason I'm still alive (I've been suicidal for a while). I tried to tell him that's not true, that I'm sorry I put this pressure on him, but I've always made sure he was ok with talking about it. He was always so supportive. I tried to tell him that I have been getting better, not just because of him, but because I've been wanting to and trying. But he wouldn't listen to me. He kept saying he loves me and he's worried about me and wants me to get better. And then he left. He said we could still be friends and talk later but he did a 180 and blocked me on everything. I couldn't take that anymore I needed a real reason (we were together for so long, I know when he's being sincere and when he's lying) so I went over to his house. He came out and again wouldn't hardly speak to me. I asked what happened and just please talk to me. He kept crying and again wouldn't look at me. He hugged me and said that he does love me, but he doesn't think he was ever in love with me and that he was trying to fool himself. I can't believe that, not only because I don't want to but because I know it's not true. He wouldn't look at me when he said it and how he treated me for over a year, you can't fake. The way people would tell me the way he talks about me, the way I would catch him looking at me when we were alone, everything we talked about. He was the first one to say I love you, to talk about marriage and kids, how our wedding will be, just everything basically. I've talked to friends and they've all said the same, you can't pretend something like that for so long. And he's such a great guy, he wouldn't in the first place. He wouldn't keep it going this long if he wasn't in love. I really believe that I may have scared him. The night before we were talking and going to sleep on the phone as we usually do (or now did) and my depression hit again. But this time it was because I wasn't sure how I'd react at the hotel. He knows I was sexually abused as a child, and that's why we waited so long. I was saying how I wanted to, like realllllllly wanted to (we were going to be each others first), I was just going to be more on the he safe side. He kept assuring me that if anytime I wanted to stop, we would. That he would always be there for me, and that we were going there beat my depression together. The last thing we said to each other before falling asleep was, I love you. On Wednesday, I stopped by his house while he was at work to talk to his parents while he was at work, to see if they knew anything and to leave a note about how I know he couldn't have been pretending, everything he did just screamed I adore you and I want to spend the rest of my life you (which he did say many times). I just don't understand what happened and why he won't tell me and why he thought this is how we needed to work it out. You can't fake such passion and love, and you can't say or do the things he did without truly being in love. Most guys wouldn't wait over a year just for sex, which I know it wouldn't just be sex for him. He once recently used the term make love, that's a connection between two people not just their parts. He would take the longer route home only when I was with him because he wanted more time alone together. Once we were just laying in bed cuddling, him holding my hand playing with my class ring and said "one day you'll have a ring on a different finger". When we would fool around, many times he stopped for around moment to kiss my head, touch my heart, look into my eyes, and I say I love you (with emphasis on the you part to show it was live not just lust). We texted a little on Wednesday too, and he said I still want to be your friend, and kept texting a bit. How could we be friends so quickly if he wasn't still in love with me and still wanted me around? I don't know what's happened, I'm so madly in love with him and I know he is too. Everyone I've talked to is also so confused, saying the same thing: you can't fake that for so long and fool everyone in believing you're on love if you're not. That he's too good and honest of a person to have done that to me. That he owes me the real explanation. I already miss him so much, I hate this. I can't sleep or eat, I keep crying (I cried harder than ever yesterday I got a bloody nose, I didn't even know that was possible), I can't feel my legs or hands at times, I'm so dizzy and nauseous. And I know he needs his space, but it hurts so bad. He wasn't just my boyfriend or my love, he's my best friend too. I miss him and I can't stand this, it all hurts. I don't know what to do, we can't end, at least not in this way...... thoughts?