I’ll try to keep this short, whilst giving context...

When I was younger my family had the realisation that my mum was an alcoholic; although non-aggressive she was a completely different person when drunk, and being the only female at home I kept the house running from a pretty young age, whilst my dad and older brothers worked.

I suffered years of watching her drink until she collapsed, sitting beside a hospital bed until she was ok again, and finding her body covered in blood when she had fallen and knocked herself out. It was fine at the time, but years after came the knock on effects- night terrors, anxiety, sucidal thoughts (you get the idea).

So back to the past- eventually my brothers moved out, mum and dad separated and I felt so alone and burdened, but I eventually decided I wanted to get my life on track and moved on to uni, got my degree and moved in with mum when she was “better”, (she’s done really well).

As the story goes, she is (generally) a few years sober, relapse, rehab (it’s just a big cycle). About two years ago my dad moved back in with her, since then she’s been back at rehab once before.. and then to the present time;

Now she’s drinking more than ever, but has just been readmitted to rehab (I still don’t know how it hasn’t killed her yet). I know my dad is more hurt than ever (we all are, but he has taken it really bad- he can’t see his life without her again)! He told me last night whilst he was drunk that he has tried to end his life three times unsuccessfully- one of those times waking up in hospital a week after the attempt. He said is planning to do it “right this time”, although not right now- but with the thoughts and hurts u am so worried..

I have recently been struggling with this before this conversation anyway because I have just stopped taking antidepressants (I was only given them a few months ago to help my emotions because when everything was all good I just kept crying uncontrollably), and a lot of people I know have had friends who have committed Suicide recently. My heart feels so much pain for those who have lost theirs family and friends.

Last night I felt like I may as well have found out he was dead with how I felt. My heart felt so torn in two. I cried myself to sleep and tried to continue with work today but I feel so broken, and helpless. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone, and I know he would be so hurt if I did.

I’m currently in work trying to hold it all together but not able to focus, I just can’t get it out of my head. I’ve already pretty much lost my mum, I can’t loose my dad too.

***I’m married and moved out a few years, have a full time job and two weekend jobs- so I can’t exactly watch over him every second of everyday..