I’m on the edge of giving up. Just ending it all. I’m so sick of being stuck in my own head. It’s so dark. I’m constantly feeling like a disappointment and like I’m worthless no matter what I do. I’m so sick of home and school and life and everything. I don’t want to die but I dunno i just want to stop being like this, feeling like this. I know that sounds selfish and I know there’s people that still love me but I dunno I’m so tired of just walking through the pain like everything’s fine with a smile on my face as though nothings changed. I’m not sure weather that makes me a selfish piece of shit or pathetic but I’m sick and tired of always caring about how “they” feel and what “they” want or what “they” need I’m tired of always having to make everyone happy when I’m not and haven’t been for quite a while. I want to talk about it and I want to say how I really feel but instead I just say I’m fine. Maybe I’m trying to ignore and burry my feelings because that’s much better than dealing with them or maybe I just feel like talking about them makes them real and I don’t think I can deal with that.

I don’t share things. I don’t tell people things even though I should, even though I know I should. I know what it’s like loosing people to suicide and I don’t want people to experience that but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think i can do this for much longer. There is just soo much going on. There’s always something new and I can’t talk about it, im not sure i even know how to. I mean I’m loved I know there’s people that care about me. And I know that everyone goes through the same shit and deals with it but I’m sick of just dealing with it. Im sick of just dealing with shit knowing there’s not a damn difference I could make. I’ve been doing this for so long. I feel like my life’s falling apart I don’t mean to be dramatic but I do. I feel like I’m not in control of anything: my life, my feelings, my thoughts. I may seem happy and that’s maybe why no one asks but I’m not, im not coping well at all with anything.

I can’t do anything right and it’s all my fault. If I’m not upsetting one person I’m upsetting the other. If I’m not arguing with one person I’m arguing with the other. It’s like no matter what I do I’m disappointed people, I just can’t do anything right. I can’t stop people from leaving or hurting me. I can’t help people that really need it. I can’t even make simple fucking decisions on my own without someone helping me. I mean I’ve tried. I’ve tried to turn my life behind I started sticking in school getting good grades. I got myself a gym membership, I now go to the gym. I’ve started doing all my homework and when I don’t have time i make time. I even applied for a job not that I think I’ll get it but still and I make sure I have enough sleep. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I try so hard to be the perfect daughter with the perfect grades and the perfect body but no matter how hard I try I’m not, I know I’m not.

Maybe I’m just talking a whole load of shit and maybe its all just in my head and because of how fucked up i am I’m feeling this way and maybe I am just this pathetic selfish bratty little cow that can’t do anything right and is always in the way like I feel I am and like others see me as.

I think about how much easier it would be just to do it. I think about how I’d do it: do I shoot myself? Do I hang myself? Do I cut myself? Or do I take a bottle of pills? I think about how happier people would be if I was gone no longer able to screw things up and no longer in peoples ways. I think about how I upset everyone: my mam, my sister, my brothers, my grandpa, my grandma even people I don’t even fucking know. I think about how I ruin everything: my friendship of 12 years, relationships, plans, my whole friendship group, celebrations, parties. Like I always find a way to ruin and destroy the good things in my life. I think about how I’d be doing everyone even myself a favour and that it’s the best way. Maybe not the only way but it’s my way and the best way for everyone.

And when I’m finally ready to do it there’s that little bit of me that says, No just hold on just a little longer see how tomorrow is it’ll get better like a voice whispering and so I do, but it doesn’t.

I mean I couldn’t even help someone I cared about stop from doing something very stupid. I’m just a disaster, not even my own dad wanted me and that’s saying something as he was a screw up too but I don’t blame him. I guess I just come from a line of screw ups and disappointments and that’s why everyone I’ve ever cared about has left me either from walking away or from dying.

And so it’s my fault i mean what if I could have stopped it, I could have done something, anything but I didn’t and that’s my fault or maybe I deserve it, maybe I did something soo bad this is me being punished for it.

I dont know, I used to think that after everything that has happened suicide is not the answer but now I don’t know what to think.