Should I feel this way????

This is something I never told my mom about me being touched. I forced myself to like it and actually did. A long time ago my mom had dated some guy I was like in elementary school we he started living with us. He had touched me a lot the time he was living with us. I didn’t tell my mom until I was in middle school in the 8th grade. She will forget and remember stuff back and forth so she knows but forgot about it. Sorry it this story all over the place.

Anyway I don’t know what got into me since but every time he touched me I like it and every time I think of it I wanna die. One day I try to get him to do those things to be then I cry about the next. I never actually had sex with him. He will just finger me or eat my umm you know what. An I will never stop him because I like it when I get into high school. He will try to actually put it in but I push away from it so he never did it with me. But I feel sick every time i think of it. So I wonder if I should feel bad about it was it actually I molested or should I be guilty about what I did.

I never said anything about because I feel like that people will hate me they well think its my fault they will think I’m a slut or a hoe or whatever else you can think of.

Idk how to feel about this because I think it is my fault for liking it. An it wasn’t because oh I actually did no I never did until I was in middle school. So is this right or wrong of me. Is it normal