I Try...

I've tried talking about how his watching and looking for porn makes me feel. Most of the time when we have sex, I feel like a side show because of it. Something to keep you interested before the "main event." I have severe issues with myself due to years of bullying and took a harder hit now that my health is now bottoming into a swan dive. But we still have sex.

And he still has porn. He locks his computer every time he so much as gets up to use the restroom. I know he looks at it, I know it's there. Sometimes I force a smile through the day because between everything, it's honestly making me have suicidal ideations... And I hate that. I have anxiety and have been getting really depressed. When I see he looks at it, it's like I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to feel good about myself.

I've sent him pictures, he has them, he'll even take some pose shots while we're having sex. But what does he look at? Not me!

I've tried talking. I've talked until I'm blue in the face. I told him how it makes me feel. He tells me he'll try, but he never does. For a while, I was considering breaking up. But I still love him and everything else is fine. It's just this.

I sometimes wish I could erase it all and other times I wish I could take a metal bat to all of his electronics and keep it so he can't get anymore. I won't, but I think it's sad that I fantasize about it.

I honestly don't know what to do. He just hides more, or thinks he does. He even made a special email so he can hoarde more shit.

Some days I'll feel so bad my entire body starts to shiver and I can't get it out of my head and it drives me insane and I hate it!!!

I can't stop crying right now. I want to talk to him again, but I know he'll brush it off and act like I'm the bad guy and tell me I just need to "get over it" and "stop making it so personal." But how am I not supposed to make it personal when he is looking at and getting off to other women when we are supposed to be in a serious, committed relationship?