Break-up depression

Almost a month since we broke up... I still feel shattered and torn into pieces, as if I’m feeling worse every day rather than better

He didn’t want to fight for us and now he is just acting cowardly

It’s pretty complicated because his mental health became an issue and he pushed me away instead of talking to me about it and letting me in

The relationship became the cause of his anxiety because he still feels not ready to commit

He told me he would have broken up immediately if it was some other girl, but it was because of me that he tried to go through it for a month and a half and I was really patient even no matter how hard it was, it was him and I was ready to face everything with him because I love him so much.

He also told me that if we ever broke up, the thing he is most afraid of is losing me as a person, that I mean way too much to him and that I am the most wonderful person and that he found everything he ever looked for in me and he doesn’t understand why he feels this way

Sure, I’ve had some of my own things I did myself that I should change, I have a lot of trust issues from my relationship before where I was cheated both emotionally and physically and I was treated badly and I am afraid that I was the one who started this in him and that it’s me after all, even though he says it’s not me.

But now, 4 weeks later, we don’t talk, he’s basically avoiding me, avoiding to face his anxiety and reality, he also muted me and my friends on Instagram to not cause himself to have another anxiety attack and I told him that I just feel so stupid because of that and that I feel like a reason as a person.

I am burning up and I want to talk to him so much because I really need to get my closure about this. I didn’t force talking, because we both agreed we need some space now, but the thing is I feel worse and worse every day, and up until now I have really been patient and respecting the “not talking” to each other because I think about him being okay all the time, but now, I started having my health problems caused by all this stress and depression and it’s time for me to be a little selfish as well and to tell him everything that I feel. It would be best if we could see each other and talk, but of course I am sure that he would refuse, so I will send him everything in a message right before I travel abroad for 3 weeks.

I just can’t believe that after 2 years of friendship and almost 1 year of relationship afterwards, this is where we got. We have been such a huge part of each others lives and now I feel like he already started forgetting about me and not caring about me and I feel like he never wonders how I am and that he never got urges to start talking to me (we only wished each other good luck for our graduation parties).

If there was ever a chance for us to go back together, I would, it would require A LOT of work, but I would be ready to be with him if he ever feels ready to step up and to deal with all of this.

This break up was the worst decision that we made and it might tear us apart.... and me not having him in my life feels like a giant black hole in my chest, I wake up every morning with anxiety nausea, I have been really distant to everyone and acting really bitchy... this break up brought the worst in me.

Yesterday should have been our first anniversary...

Also, I don’t want anyone ever telling me “Cheer up” “It will pass” “You will be okay” “You’ll get over it” “Time heals everything” I am sick of hearing all of those... I need to hear that I might not lose him and that maybe there is still some tiny hope for us to be back together again.