I don't even know why I'm posting. I suppose I'm using this as a dairy. A way to let go. Some how heal. Put it into the world and off of my shoulders.

So, my mother has my whole life been abusive. She was a very bad alcoholic with severe paranoia. For most of my life she spent it locked in her room crying. Only to leave every couple hours to come out to tell me I was either A) a whore (Even at age 10) or B) To say "You think you are so perfect. But I know who you are." Weird things that like though. I had a curfew of 6pm even till the age of 18. At one point she tapped my windows this black tape so I couldn't see out of my bed room window. She feared everything. She was insane.

Fast forward through my teen years, I naturally surrounded myself around bad people because when your troubled you tend to do that. I lost alot of friends die to addiction. But I never did drugs. Infact I spent alot of time running them around the meetings. Like AA. But my life was in shambles. Everywhere was so sad.

My mother found out when I was 15 that she was dying. She had 1 week to live if she didn't stop drinking. So, she came home and drank. For 3 days. Until she almost died and was committed. She than began the long hard road of recovery. She was very sick for a very long time though. I learned to forgive and loved her with all of my heart. I gaot a work release in high school so I could work during school hours. And I came home from school 3xs a day to take care of her. (Change IV bags, help her get dressed. ect.)

She became a whole new person. She got a liver transplant and dedicated her life to helping people recover.

I found the love of my life when I turned 19. He showed me that life was better than what I was living and that I had the power over my own happiness. We got married, bought a house, I moved away from all my troubles. And then I got pregnant.

I had a very scary condition during pregnancy called ICP. But we made it through and had a beautiful baby boy. I breastfed for 8 months. Until...I found out I was pregnant again We where so excited to find this out. But my liver numbers where coming back high again. And it is unlikely to have a icp diagnosis in the first trimester.

So they ran a test for Hepatitis C.

I came back positive.

I may have given my wonderful husband hep C. Which in the long run is really no big deal. There is a cure.

But my son you guys. What if I gave my beautiful son Hep C?

I'm such a failure of a mother. I can't ever seem to catch a break. My poor son. He would not be able to be treated until 14. I am so broken inside. I am so mad at my mother. And my brother doesn't understand. I feel like I can't breathe I am so overwhelmed. There are no words to describe this pain I feel for potentially endangering my son.I will be getting him tested and praying to a God I don't believe in every day In Hope's he wasn't exposed.