A lot going on in my head today

So little back story. I got pregnant with twins really young like I was 13; I lost both of them at separate times. It killed me inside, and I felt it was my fault. I then developed an eating disorder. During the time I was on nd off again with the twins father. *I was told after I lost the twins I wouldn’t be able to have children* We were on a break when I was raped by “my boyfriend”. Nd it killed me to think that my son could have been his. As I was going through all of this my brother who is artistic was adding sugar to my juice hoping I would gain the weight I needed for my son. Well I did in fact I gained close to 90lbs. I then had my son. (Turns out he is the twins father’s son) Well I was very very depressed about all the weight I had gained nd started partying nd shockingly got pregnant again. *i was on birth control but apparently my body rejects any form of birth control* So after my daughter was born I worked very hard on loving myself. Well my eating disorder turned into over eating. Nd now I’m back at the weight that I was when I gave birth to my son. Nd I hurts my heart so badly. I am living with my boyfriend of two years and we have been trying to have a child together and it’s only been about 6 months but it is taking a emotional toll on me. I’m worried that my new weight is affecting my body so I can’t get pregnant. And I’m scared nd don’t know what to do. I go to the gym everyday but my job makes me sit down for at least 10 hours a day *3 days on nd 4 days off* I’m not loading the weight like I would like to. I’m not looking for an answer or anything. I’m just venting Bc I got a lot going on inside of my head today. Oh nd today is my 22nd birthday. *my boyfriend nd I have both have great jobs nd money is not a problem for us Incase anyone says anything*