I Just Need To... Whine I Guess (sorry it's long)

I'm currently 25w+5d with baby number 4.

A little back story: a month before I turned 19 I decided I never wanted kids. The idea of pregnancy and a person growing inside me scared me. Life had other plans. 2 months after my birthday I found out I was expecting my first daughter. Once we got past the shock, my boyfriend and I were excited. We had been together for 2.5 years, since we were 16, so I knew our relationship would survive the stress of a pregnancy just out of high school (we graduated 8 months prior to the pregnancy).

My pregnancy was amazing. It was ideal in every way. Minimal morning sickness that ended at 8 weeks, and that was it. She was born 5 days late, weighing 7lbs 15oz, and coming so quickly that I had no time for any type of pain relief. I was so in love with my little girl. I was amazed that I had created her, help her grow and survive inside of me.

(Now 14)

6 weeks after her second birthday I found out we were expecting baby #2. Another girl. Aside from heartburn, no symptoms, and again, amazing pregnancy. I started experiencing pretty severe depression about 3 weeks before she was due, so the doctor induced me at 39 weeks. I bled a little too much after delivering my beautiful 7lb baby, but a little rest and I was as good as new.

(She's now 11, almost 12)

When she was 18 months old, we found out we were expecting our 3rd little girl. For the 3rd time I was blessed with an easy pregnancy. Inducted a week early because of how far we lived from the hospital, and how quickly my previous labors progressed. She was a beautiful and healthy 7lb 8oz baby.

(She's now 9)

After 3 great pregnancies I wanted another baby. I wanted to be a surrogate. I just wanted to be pregnant. It was always such a wonderful experience for me.

After 17 years together, my husband and I divorced last year. Nothing went bad, nothing happened, we just grew apart. We remain wonderful friends and are committed to co-parenting our girls.

I have since met a wonderful new man. He is amazing with my daughters, the absolutely love him. He has a little girl, that I adore and love like she is my own. We are engaged and expecting a little boy in a few short months.

This pregnancy has been anything but easy. I'm now 34, and suffer from chronic pain (fibromyalgia). We had a plan in place to help my pain during pregnancy, but my doctor went back on that plan once I was actually pregnant. I've had a very difficult time handling the pain. My morning sickness started the day before my pregnancy was confirmed at 3w+6d. It lasted until nearly 14 weeks. I basically lived in my bathroom for those 10 weeks, losing almost 15lbs. Around 12 weeks the low blood pressure hit. Many days I couldn't get out of bed without help. That lasted about 8 weeks. I had a couple good weeks, but then the sciatic nerve pain hit. I couldn't walk without crying. I eventually had to get trigger point injections around the nerve to relax the muscles, so they would loosen up around the nerve. I've also been having to get the injections in my shoulders every 3 weeks because of how badly my muscle tighten up, since I can't take my muscle relaxers. I now have a bruised rib, thought to be from a combination of me dropping something that smacked my ribs, and the baby kicking that same spot. Today I woke up and I can barely breathe from the pain in my ribs. Not just where they are bruised, but all the way across both sides. I've been have to take small, shallow breaths since it started about 10 hours ago. Any normal breathing or yawn results in me crying in pain.

I'm honestly worried about how I'm supposed to make it 14 more weeks like this. I just want to stay in bed and cry most days. The overall pain in my body is out of control. I've barely been at work since February. It's summer and normally we spend every available moment at the lake, but getting out of bed feels like too much.

I'm sorry this got so long. I just needed to vent, or whine, or I dunno... complain. I'm just so tired and everything hurts beyond anything I've ever experienced. I just want my little man here, in my arms.