Is it possible to fall in love...later?

I met a man over two years ago.

He was perfect according to my “check list”.

But I just wasn’t feeling it emotionally or sexually.

I struggled with it for so long but still kept a relationship. Never official but definitely were with out the label.

He has been my BEST FRIEND.

My only person. My only everything and me for him too.

He drives me effing nuts half the time lol

But he’s still the only one I draw to. Call everyday, spend everyday with him... my children look at him as a father.

At first, when I met him I was in a very emotional abusive and controlling relationship.

I thought I was in love with that man and yet, he didn’t want me but still wanted to “keep me”.

I was obsessed with the controlling guy even though I knew he treated me bad.

My now guy understood, said he knows was being manipulated and refused to do nothing but wait for me.

I struggled over and over.. comparing the two men.

I have felt guilty from the beginning.

My now man always said, you don’t feel over whelming love with me because I don’t treat you bad.

Says I’m used to it, which is why I feel the way I did.

And I have struggled to understand what he meant.

As a child, starting from 5 till I was 7, I was sexually abused. I found out at 14 the father that raised me wasn’t my father. My mother lied to my biological father while she was separated from my “step father” (the man I thought WAS my dad) that’s a whole different story... but anyway...

I know I’m messed up. I been to cancelling and I’m all over the place.

I have struggled to be with my now man, intimately or to respect him the way I have other men.

But the men I found respectable were controlling.

Now man has stuck with me. While I learned and fought it all.

I’m feeling this deep love of appreciation.

And partnership.

It freaks me out. Scares me shitless but I wonder why I fight it so much.

I wonder if my struggle is my emotional history holding me back. Fighting me against myself.

I love him. I love him so much.

Now... I’m just not sure. Not sure... do I let myself go?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I feel in love but I feel like I want to battle it so much. I want to find every or any angle to go against it.