i am seeking some (respectful) advice, as i already know this is horrible, and wasn’t a good choice - especially in my situation. i’m here because i haven’t told anyone, and also because i need help on what to do further on.

i’ve been in an abusive relationship 2 years ago which resulted in verbal abuse on a daily basis. he had cheated on me multiple times very early in the relationship, and throughout, and had resulted in a total of (believe it or not) 450+ times!! this ultimately broke me down and made me into a completely different person. i started working out consistently, changed my fashion and made myself go from 0-100, gaining complete confidence. i started loving myself and starting receiving a lot of attention from boys.. and by this i mean i had increased my number of friends to approx. 5 to 700 male friends that i would snapchat on a daily!! sounds crazy but it’s true.

anyways, 15 months ago i met my boyfriend. we both started feeling for each other quickly but i was NOT ready for a relationship.. mainly because i was constantly hooking up with guys frequently and flirting and wasn’t interested in being loyal whatsoever, and he was aware of all this although he treated me just like a girlfriend.. he was loyal, posted about me, told me things someone wouldn’t say to another unless they’re inlove. just to point out - this guy is THE guy every girl loves. he carries all traits the “perfect guy” needs.

we started dating recently because i realized he was the love of my life and he was still waiting for me, even while knowing i was out and about having sex with multiple men - he was truly in love with me.

but.. i guess i miss being single. i prefer going around and doing my own thing. that’s not bad right? every girl has their preference on when they want to become loyal and committed. but it IS bad to cheat. i’ve already had sex with one of my ex’s, kissed 2 guys and given head to one of my friends. they all know i’m in a relationship as one doesn’t when i lied saying i don’t have a boyfriend.

for all people that may say i wasn’t ready for the relationship, i was. it’s just i MISS being single and having that freedom. i don’t know why! i love this guy very much. i know you’ll say that i never loved him in the first place if i cheated. but i do.. i just have a guilty pleasure that’s unnecessary and i need to get rid of it! i want to marry this guy and i know i can’t find better. he deserves so much better, even though i treat him amazingly. everything is perfect but i’m doing this horrible thing behind his back.

i don’t want to tell him because he WILL leave me. and we’ve gone through a rough discussion (relating to breaking up due to our different religions) where he was close to killing himself over losing me. therefore i don’t know what he will want to do to himself once i tell him i did these things.. if he leaves me, i don’t know if he’ll even be alive.

so please, please tell me what to do. should i leave? should i tell him? should i avoid both and try to get rid of missing being single? please! i’m in desperate need and this is haunting me. i’m having constant nightmares every night of the same occurring dream!! it’s eating me alive.