Long story.

When I was 5 my mom married my step father. My real dad died when I was 3. My step dad seemed like a great guy and had a son a few months older than me, which we had our sibling rivalry type deal but we got along pretty well for the most part. When I was 6-7ish my mom made it a big deal that her and my stepdad needed to spend more time with us since they both worked crazy hours and since my mom normally worked till 9-10 my stepdad would end up putting us to bed. To make my mom happy he started reading us bedtime stories. After a couple of months he would begin to put his hand on my crotch area while he read the story. I was slightly uncomfortable, but I was little so I just didn’t say anything. A few months later he moved under my pants and he would rub my clit and finger me while reading.

When I turned 8 was when it all went to hell. He would come in my room, tell me to strip naked and stand on my bed. He would kiss me all over while giving himself a hand job. I was terrified and I told my step brother who told me I was lying which caused me to not want to tell anyone.

When I was 9 he raped me, violently in my eyes. I bleed for a day or two so he forced me to give him a blow job while i was bleeding. One night he after he raped me he slapped my butt and told me to stop crying that this was the way a father showed his daughter love. My brother walked by my room shortly after and asked why I was crying and I told him again. He told me he didn’t understand why I kept using that lie and that his father wasn’t interested in little girls. I asked him if he ever did anything to him at night when he was “reading stories” he got angry and stormed away.

A week or so later I asked my step dad if he hurt my brother like he hurt me. He got pissed and told me he wasn’t hurting me and left the room. I thought maybe he’d leave me alone that night but moments later he came back in with my step brother. Told us both to take our clothes off. I knew my step brother had to have been enduring something at this point. He told my brother to rub himself while he raped me. I cried and he cried the whole time. The next few nights nothing happened I prayed so hard that that was the end. But it wasn’t. Things just continued.

Around 10 he made us have sex with each other. He pushed us onto one another and would even force the movements when we tried to stop. We lived through this hell for another 2 years. He would either have sex with me or force my brother to. One night while he was raping me my brother came in with a baseball bat telling him if he didn’t get off me not only would he beat the crap out of him that he’d call the police. My mom showed up shortly afterwards and we told her everything to which he repeatedly told her we were lying. For 4 plus years we’d suffered until enough was enough. He even tried to leave the house...my mom pulled her pistol on him till the cops got there. Wrapping it up he was arrested and convicted. My mom adopted my step brother. We have a strained relationship for obvious reasons but we also have a bond of going through hell and making it out together.

I’ve gone through years and years of therapy to attempt to get over this. When I was 24 I met a man who became my husband and he knows all about my past. It took along time for me to even let him touch me but we moved past that and we are now expecting our first child together and we just found out it’s a girl. I can’t breathe thinking about it. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to her. I want to stay pregnant with her forever so she’ll be safe. I panic every day thinking out it. I hate this world and the cruel people in it. I was just a little girl and now I’m scared for the rest of my life. How do I get passed this?