I stood there at his doorstep hesitant to ring the doorbell knowing what I was about to do, knowing I had to, but not wanting to.

I took a few deep breaths in and out and finally I pressed it. I could hear him walking towards to door and I could barely breathe.. he opened the door and his face lit up with happiness seeing me standing there, he invites me in and offers me a drink and asks about my day.

I try to make small talk but I can barely look him in the eyes, in fact I can’t I find myself barely at a whisper staring at his floor. He gently lifts my chin up to get me to meet his concerned gaze where he asks me if I’m okay. I fight to hold back the tears.

He embraces me in a hug and tells me I’m going to be okay as he softly strokes my hair and rubs my back to comfort me. I finally choke out the words, “I came here to say goodbye, forever, I’m so sorry!” “I don’t want to, but I have to, I know I’m standing in the middle of the train tracks as the train is hurdling towards me and if I don’t jump it’s only going to end in disaster!”

He remains calm and continues to hold me, squeezing me that little bit tighter. His first reaction is to promise me the world, quite literally. He wants me to travel the world with him, wants to spoil me and build a life with me before settling down for a family. He says he wants to provide for me and support me and love me unconditionally, his falling for me and doesn’t want to let me go.

I almost cave, but I can’t.. reality is always far from the fantasy and I need to stay strong. I take a few more deep breaths. “I’m so sorry, I have to go” I finally look him in the eyes. Eyes that are now staring back at me with sadness yet understanding.

He releases me from our embrace and gentle takes my hands, squeezing them tighter as our eyes meet again. This time we don’t break contact. He slowly walks towards me still holding my hands leading me backwards, in a trance with our eyes locked I follow his lead until I eventually feel the cold wall cradled against my back. He presses gently into me as he leans in to kiss me and naturally my body responds to him and we lock lips. It starts off gently exploring each other before he takes one hand, then the other and places them above my head against the wall before his kisses turn to urgency and heated. Again I respond, caught up in the moment, the feeling of being held up against the wall with him pressed against me and the passion in which he is laying on me in waves, I’m drowning.

I suddenly feel him, his hard and his thin cotton pjs do little to hide that fact or restrain him. His hard up against me pressing between my legs, my hands above my head and kisses all showing me how much he craves me. The kisses become more passionate and we both get lost in the moment before they turn to sadness and realisation sets in, this is our final goodbye.

He slowly releases my hands from above my head one by one before removing the pressure of his body up against mine and the wall. He gently takes my hand to lead me to the front door. I open the door and we pause for a moment, both fighting back tears as I manage to choke out a final goodbye and give him one last soft kiss before I disappear out the door.. forever