Unloveable??

Ok. So, here it goes.

Hiya! So I have numerous illnesses, both physically (scoliosis and goldenhar syndrome) and mentally (depression, anxiety, recovering anorexia).

Both type of illnesses take an impact on the way I think and my self esteem, which lately has become an issue as I always thought by the time I was 16, I would have a boyfriend. Or at least been kissed. Lmao none of that has happened and I turn 17 in Feb.

My goldenha syndrome effects my face as only one side (the right) grows properly, leaving the left side to look a bit... umm. Uglier. In proportional.

Which has me thinking- am I ugly? Is this why guys aren’t interested in getting to know me or even considering me as an actual person? I understand where they’re coming from, but my therapists tell me it’s ‘all in my head’ and it’s my voices that are wrong- not my family who think I’m ‘pretty’.

My depression makes me lack the will to strike a conversation up with a guy because I’ll only make things worse, because I’m worthless and too fucked up for anyone.My anxiety forces me into a whirlwind of assumptions and ‘what ifs’ and awkwardness..

And then there’s my anorexia, which in my defence, is much much better, considering this is my second year battling it and I’ve been in a psych ward for 3 months (last year). Anyways, it leads me to believe I’m fat. Ugly. A body so vile and disgusting men won’t even want to look at it.

So I came to the conclusion that’s I’m unloveable. I’m just a piece of mess, trash and some kinda anti love monster.. Idk what you all think but that’s my ‘sense’ of everything lmao