I hate that I love him...😞

This is going to be long because I honestly don’t have anyone to vent to and I’m driving myself crazy if I don’t let this out. I cannot for the life of me leave my husband.. we have not been on good terms for awhile now, barely have sex and all we ever do is argue. I love him with my whole entire heart and we have two boys together but I just can’t leave him.... all i feel with him is hurt, I don’t feel happy anymore and I honestly think the feeling is mutual. As much as we love each other we refuse to let each other go because we don’t want to see each other with other people. When we first started going out my husband lost my trust and admitted to everything he had done in the past so we can start fresh, i wasn’t so innocent myself but the things he did were worse and now I know that I should have left when I had the chance😔 3 years later and I still never gained that trust I had before, I try and try but somethings are just hard to forget. Obviously if you do something once why wouldn’t you do it again??? I’m hurting, and honestly I thank him for everything because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a roof over my head or the clothes on my back and I don’t know if that’s the reason I’m here because of the things he’s done for me but I can’t leave .... it’s hard , I don’t want to be with him, I’m not happy, I feel like I’m trapped in this house 24/7 and I might be falling into depression.. I think of a million ways to end my life but at the end of the day my kids are the ONLY reason I’m still here today... I wouldn’t want them to be without me knowing they need me. I can’t find a way out and this is doing me now good 😞