Weight causing massive amounts of doubt and anxiety

WARNING THIS IS RANTING BUT I NEED HELP.

So I lost a bit of weight. 7 pounds in about 2-3 months. It’s good but Ik I can do better once school starts and I’m walking more.

I see the difference and I feel it too.

It’s just I wake up and start crying when I look at myself.

My Boyfriend tells me to stop. And that I’m Fine the way I am.

And all I think about is Getting a Surgery. My family does a lot and I have been nothing but a Bitch since I stopped taking my meds.

I didn’t see them helping but Ig now I do bc my anxiety is so bad I can’t sleep. I feel Nothing and I don’t care if I don’t go to bed. I just want to stop feeling nothing. I want to stop crying when I wake up and look at myself in nothing but a bra and panties.

But I can’t.

I have a fat gene and my sister got lucky and didn’t end up getting it to affect her. nor did she get The Genetic Numbness my dad and I have.

Some days I feel things and most of them I don’t. I just wanna eat until I feel happy but then I want to run until I start crying and collapse on the side of the road.

I miss being able to feel things. Like why I did something wrong and I don’t regret it. Why I did something good yet I don’t feel proud.

I want to feel whole again...

I want to feel perfect in my own skin... like I’m not supposed to be ashamed bc im chunky. And then have nothing but nothing fun threw my veins. I put on a smile. And say I’m happy. But I’m not. And I don’t think I ever will be.

I’m tired of being Numb and tired of thinking I’m not good enough.

I can’t help myself and I’m sick of trying too. Ik this is ranting and I need help. I can’t talk to my mom or she turns me away she calls me fat and then Denies it when I try to talk to her, my grandmother yelled at her multiple times for making me cry growing up and still does.

Just need some positive Energy yah know...

(I always feel like this... even when my So says he sees happiness in my eyes... I feel like I’m alone.)