One step at a time

I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months over the weekend. I sensed things were going downhill a few months ago but I kept seeing everything through rose-colored glasses and ignored all the signs, thinking things would get better.

I was just so tired of feeling lonely. Tired of constantly giving and giving and receiving scraps in return. Tired of crying myself to sleep at night because of how lonely I felt. Tired of telling him exactly what I need and him barely even trying in return.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t ignore the pain I was feeling any longer. I wanted it to work more than anyone, but when the other side doesn’t care enough to try, you can’t keep doing it.

I would constantly recommend stuff we could do together but he would shoot my ideas down saying he wouldn’t like it and he wouldn’t even think of something we could do together in return aside from sitting around doing nothing.

I gave him EVERYTHING. I gave him my body trusting we would stay together for the long haul. I gave him the benefit of the doubt more times than I can count. I couldn’t take the selfishness anymore.

He couldn’t care less about our upcoming anniversary. In fact, he was planning to go out of town that day for several days with a college club we’re a part of to an event that I couldn’t go with due to family circumstances. He didn’t event try to understand why I was upset with him going on our ANNIVERSARY.

Sometime during our relationship, I simply became an object to appease his loneliness. He didn’t even think about what I could possibly be feeling.

“I guess you became a convenience. I didn't feel lonely so I guess I figured you didn't feel lonely.”

But I’ll grow stronger because of this. I won’t for allow myself to be used like I was this time. I won’t put up with that again. It hurts like hell, and it’s going to take some time to heal, but I’ll heal and get stronger because of it.

I loved him with all my heart, and I still do, but I’ll move on. I’ll live. I’ll find someone who will treat me how I deserve and I’ll treat him how he deserves.

One step at a time.