Co Parenting with an Ex you hate- Betrayal

Hi I will say first please no bashing , disrespectful comments or

Degrading. I’m only looking for solutions and possibly guidance to understand and learn how to cope in order to co parent. If I don’t care for my kids I wouldn’t try so hard to learn how I can be better at this.

I am 31 ones years old so I know I still have a lot to learn, but I am old enough and mature enough to handle my own And learn from my mistakes and experiences.

So I hate my ex, mainly because the entire four years we were together he neglected me love and affection and always used the excuse that he needed time. The worst and most painful part was that he cheated on me a lot of times with prostitutes- even when I was carrying our son. He also searched back pages when I was in preterm labor in the hospital which i am sure he put to use. I found out because I saw his phone the day we left the hospital. When I was in labor - he wasn’t there he claimed he wanted to hunt and doctors was there for me. I loved him very much so everytime he did something wrong,

he hated feeling guilty and would beg for me back, and as soon as I took him back it was like he never cared. Eventually I broke up with him but was pregnant with our son and since then I felt obligated to try to make it work for our little boy when he made mistakes cheating. But of course I know doing it over and over wasn’t a mistake. I really think he has sex addiction , he also drinks heavy and smokes but recently tried to cut it down smoking because of our sons asthma. After a while we had a long talk and gave it a real shot and promised to be good for our family. But I found 15 different women on his iPad selling sex talking about rates. He met a few ina hotel and invited them to the house. This all happened a year ago but since then anger, hurt , rage and hatred built up in my heart. I don’t know if I hated him that I still loved him and he didn’t love me or if I was hurt from betrayal. Now our son is almost 3 and we fight most of the time. I still cry and I still bring up what he did everytime he has something smart to say to me. It still hurts me. When I look at him I want to scream and I don’t think he deserves my child or he deserves my love - a good woman. How could he risk our health ??

So now he trues to tell me it’s the past and I should think about the future. Etc etc. He says he knows I have hard feelings but I can’t be mad at him all the time and we need to be good for Our son. The first thing I think is well it’s easy to say it’s the past and get over my hurt feelings I invested for 4 years, because he did the dirt. He is not hurting. Or betrayed or has memories of what I’ve seen. He doesn’t still feel that pain like me. Also if he cares so much about giving our son the best . Why didn’t he think about it before cheating ? He didn’t say to himself “ how will this effect my son and the relationship between his mother and I ?” He didn’t think at all that he was riding a family our son deserved.

I have so much pain. Hate and hurt. I want my son to have his father eventually but I feel like I need to cut him off to heal. No contact. Be I know it’s hard work a child. I still need to do it atleast for 30 days. I don’t know. I just want to get better so I can do parenting for him.

Any suggestions or thoughts. 💔