is there a way to turn off feelings?

hey ladies as this is a rant group imma rant my ass off and feel free to say whatever you want i don’t care because i think i’ll explode if i dont get this out so enjoy the next few minutes of the complete fuckery that is my existence☺️

anyways where do i even begin hm let’s start off with the fact that the boy i’ve been dating for the past 7 months has gone away not once but TWICE since we started dating. the first time was jail and the second now is rehab. the first time was a month into us dating and he was gone a month. as much as it sucked no biggie because there honestly wasn’t true love in the picture yet just strong feelings of liking. anyways jump forward to now he’s been gone almost two months on september 5 and when i’m say i’m beaten i’m FUCKING beaten. before he went away he had issues staying sober and talking to girls in a very close to what i call cheating manner. so now i’m like ok i’ll stick with you since i’m that special kind of stupid bitch and you know what happens when i visit him ? he tells me he’s having wet dreams about other girls!!! MHMM THATS RIGHT ! mind we haven’t taken a break due to him being away were still very much in our relationship and i haven’t hung out or let alone spoke to another boy. so i’m like what the actual fuck is wrong with me to make him feel this way? i’ve been working out and working on my makeup to make him more physically attracted to me. i have a lot of insecurity and body issues to the point where i avoid reflective surfaces and will literally bawl my eyes out when i go out in public and feel fat. and i must say i’m a very loving girlfriend. i’m close to his family, i buy him things, i respect him to the fullest extent, i give him rides to his programs and basically any other thing you can think of i do for him. so why arent i enough ? i’m a full time student, homeschooled for school and teach myself and have near perfect grades. i’m working on becoming a trauma nurse. and i work 3-4 days a week. i must say i have my life together compared to most girls in our area . i but him fairly nice and expensive things and even for him a phone and the most he ever got me was an arizona drink. we have a good sex life we have sex almost everyday when he’s home so it’s not like he isn’t satisfied and i always answer him and make him feel loved. he’s my background on my phone and my insta profile is of me and him. meanwhile you wouldn’t even know we’re dating on his end and i had to ask him to put me as a cute name in his phone. i’m just so frustrated and tired of feeling less. i’m emotionally drained. my self esteem is crashing and burning, i just feel like so irrelevant to him. i i feel like i need to be electrocuted. am i totally wrong here for feeling this way? if i am please tell me because i try my hardest to not be controlling or toxic i believe in making your own choices but some choices are just downright wrong especially when you’re in a relationship. and how do i even approach the idea of telling him that if he continues with his poor judgement with the way he walks to females that i’m done ? i want to tell him when i see him for his visitation next wednesday but don’t want to start a fight i want to be as mature as possible about this and when i get heated i tend to freak out. please ladies help me i’m losing my marbles by the second.