I’m going to be honest with you all because this is supposed to be a safe place.

I’m crushed. I found out the news this afternoon. My husband has 1.5 count and zero motility and morph and highly fragmented. Something is very very wrong. I was so proactive on my end for the last 6 months. I nearly killed myself trying so hard to conceive. I tracked it all, I got tested, had an HSG, you name it I did it because I’m 34 and I want to get the fucking show on the road. All of my results were coming back fine. Great even. So I had an inkling after 5 months of trying something was off and it was probably my husband. But I had no idea it was this bad. The doctor told me to stop trying while we get things sorted with my husband because it just won’t happen. Not at this time. She also mentioned there may be a blockage somewhere. I’m so devastated and I’m angry. I have this anger inside that I didnt even know existed. I think it’s the paradox of someone you love more than anything not being able to give you the only thing you want. It’s cruel. I thought I was the one with the problem and was willing to do anything to fix it. Now that it’s him I’m completely helpless. To make matters worse, I got the call today while my husband was traveling for work and broke the news to him right before a meeting. I haven’t even been able to see him in person to talk to him. I think I may need a therapist after this. I don’t know if I can handle this on my own. I need help. This has become too much. Granted there are other things going on in our lives right now so this sent me over the fucking edge. The thought of a donor literally kills me.