When is enough?

Hello all

My partner and I are going on 6 years together and it’s never been a fairytale... he’s almost two people and I’m stuck on what to do... he can be so kind and do anything to make me smile and happy... even if it puts himself out he will do anything to make my day easier for months at a time then he changes.... acts dumb (never thinks) yells at me and pushes me around.. I’m no angel I will give it back.. but because it was so toxic I ended the relationship... I met another guy and slept with him a few times and when I told my ex (as we were trying to be friends) he didn’t get angry at all just said he’s broken... he’s seen the guy to and didn’t even say anything bad... well my ex’s mother called and wanted us back together. Sooo we spoke made a plan to build friendship first and she paid for a trip overseas to help us find our love again. well everything was great for a few months than we went on our trip and got back together... after a month away came home and he was different again... so careless! some days he will try but most he won’t.. well now he’s started punching me!! 😔 mind you I’m 5ft4 he’s 6ft5 so it’s not a weak punch.. the other day he got upset and punched me in the back of the head where I could lay on it for two days... I love him and tbh I’m more scared to be alone.. I have no family and lost my child 5.5 years ago (not his) so I feel he’s all I’ve got.. I know it’s not ok for anyone to hit another person.. but why is it not clear for me to leave. Why do I still want to stay. I live like this is normal everyday. Never know if I will say something wrong and what can come of it.... maybe am I the one who is mentally not ok cause I won’t leave. Maybe it is me and this is why I have no one... I can’t hug him or kiss him and can’t be loving around him.. when I see he’s wanting sex for a few days I let him have sex with me but I tell him to be quick and just look at the roof thinking how much I hate it but I rather him be calmer than up tight..... I’m so scared telling anyone this as it’s been kept to myself and I know people are going to judge me for the worst.. I wish I was stronger