Molested...

I’ve always had this memory that I’ve blocked out...

The reason sex scares me and triggers panic attacks...

Recently I’ve been going to therapy and I’ve finally unblocked the memory that’s been haunting me my whole life.

I remember my hello kitty pink television, my flowered comforter, my blue bird watercolor hanging to the right of the window, the cranberry juice stain on the carpet by the left nightstand...

I remember him, his grey hair tied back in a ponytail, his unshaven face, his turquoise “Mountain Blues” shirt...

I remember the creak my door made when he shut it after he told my mum he was going to read me a book...

My favorite childhood book, peter rabbit...

He picked me up put me on the side of my flower bed closest to the window.

He sat on my bed and made himself comfortable, I remember him putting his shoes on my bed bothering me.

He made sure to read loudly so that my mum could hear, I remember trying to focus on the words as his hand slithered into my tinker-bell underwear, I remember him holding his hand over my mouth as I cried and tried to scream for my mummy to come save me.

I was 5 years old and that man was my biological mother’s boyfriend.

I am 16 now and live with the constant feeling of pain, disgust, shame and uncertainty.

I was 5 years old...

I was a little girl with two little blonde pigtails, I wore little blue elastics in my hair, I picked out my favorite clippys for my hair everyday, I wore tutus to the market.