Slowly falling apart ....

Idk what’s wrong with me. Right now I’m in my bed crying my eyes & I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stressing about school & other personal issues. It’s a lot going on in my life & NO ONE understands. I know there’s friends & family that say I can talk to them about anything but the truth is I can’t ... They really don’t understand . On top of that I’m still grieving from the loss of my first born in May. My son passed away a week after he was born. My life went from being the best to almost the worst in a matter of a week. I thought that things get better with time but it doesn’t. You just learn to live with what happened. Some times i don’t wanna live with that. I really wish my son was here with me right now. I feel like if he was in my arms right now, everything would be so much better. I know I’m not supposed to question God, But why me ? Why my baby ? I have so many emotions bottled up. I’m angry inside... I’m depressed at times. Sometimes i just wanna scream to the top of my lungs. Everyone tells me I’m strong & to keep being strong. But what they don’t know is that i constantly break down & sometimes battle with suicidal thoughts behind closed doors. Why do i have to be strong all the time ? I can’t be strong all of the time . Oh and to mention that ttc my rainbow baby, it’s very stressful and everything is taking a toll on me. I’m literally crying while writing this & I have to keep pausing because my eyes are so watery and blurry. . I know there’s probably others going through what I’m going through... I pray that we get through this .. I pray for better days .