I regret not saying no.

I regret not speaking up for my own discomfort and for giving myself up because I was afraid to say no. Although there were times when I felt like I was ready, that moment was not one of those times. As I continued to move my body in preparation, my mind screamed with anxiety: "I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready."

Once it happened, I let the physical pleasure consume my thoughts. After it was done I tried to convince myself I didn't regret it. It felt good after all for your first time didn't it? But I knew that all I was doing was attempting to justify the situation.

We talked about it over the phone. I didn't want him to "feel blamed" so I told him that while I "didn't regret it" I was just not ready. He admitted to being partially at fault. But I couldn't deceive myself in telling him I had no regret.

Since I was younger I always struggled with lust. And once I experienced the sensual pleasure of sex for the first time I became consumed rather than repulsed by the incident. We had sex continuously thereafter. And while there were times I enjoyed it, many times I had a lingering sense of uncertainity in my mind. Do I really want to be doing this? Do I feel like I am truly being loved? Is what we are doing really love or is it just lust?

Although the incident happened a year ago, I have yet to honestly tell him the truth. How can he understand my feelings of regret when having sex has already become a norm in the relationship? My lust clouded my self- control and I gave in to the pleasure rather than thinking about the pain.