exchange year, anxiety and ldr

iknow this is very long but I need an outlet lol

TW // I do mention self harm but not graphically or anything

so, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5.5 months. I’ve known him for years but we’ve been friends for about a year and a half / two years. he’s the guy I want to marry. it’s forever and we’re both so so sure of that.

I already had everything sorted out to go on exchange before we got together, so when we had to say goodbye (after dating and seeing each other everyday for 3.5 months, about a month of that we practically lived together) it was devastating. I wasn’t going to see him for 10.5 months and there was nothing I could do. we agreed he would fly in for Christmas (just 82 more days!) but he hasn’t booked his ticket yet and is fighting with his dad a lot so I’m kind of worried...

so while I’m struggling with missing my best friend and the love of my life, my biggest support and the person I trust with Everything, I’m also dealing with so much home sickness. I’ve been in Norway (home is in The Netherlands) for 50 days and I still struggle with desperately wanting to go home, I am only living towards June 30th, when I get to finally go to my own bed, with my babyyy.

at the same time I’ve been trying to cope with anxiety, started and immediately trying to stop with self harming and I started getting panic attacks. I think I’ve had one mild one before in my life, a long time ago, but so far in the not-even-two-months I’ve already had two where I was convinced I was going to die.

it’s all piling up and I don’t know what to do. I only want to be with my bf and all I do all day is long for him and cry myself to sleep thinking about how badly I want to be with him, how badly I want to be home. I want to prove that I can do this, that I am strong and independent and that I can deal with my own thoughts on my own. but right now I’m just stuck in a cycle of depression and anxiety, feeling a bit better, and falling back into that hole.

I don’t know how to deal anymore and I really don’t want to sacrifice my relationship for this exchange. I want to succeed, but I also want to be with the love of my life. The pressure is huge and in theory I can close the distance any given day but I don’t and I feel incredibly guilty about that.

I love him so much.