Soldier Unable to Connect

Hi there!

I’m wondering if any of you have ever experienced this kind of emotional roller coaster with a soldier. I’ve been seeing this man on and off since early May. In the beginning it was amazing. He had the same goals as me— he wanted to be a good husband and father, he loved working out, he has the same sense of humor as me, we have the best intellectual conversations, we have many of the same likes and dislikes, etc. I could go on for days about why we work together. But then he got distant, and I figured there was another girl. We had a small fight where he felt I wasn’t being myself with him and I told him I felt the same about him and he decided he “couldn’t work on us while he worked on himself.”

He said he had bouts of time where he just needed to not be around anyone and needed to go MIA. People were too much, and he just needed to be let me. He has done three tours and is thinking about re-enlisting. Has been divorced, feels like his daughter was taken from him, had a failed engagement, and then I come into the picture. I feel like he is emotionally drained from the prior two. Keep in mind this has happened over about five years or so. He says he can’t be with anyone right now and that he just isn’t able to connect emotionally and doesn’t think he ever will again.

He keeps coming back to me, and I figured it was just for sex. But then he makes comments like, “you’re an amazing woman. I just wish I wasn’t so damaged.” “I just want to be near you. You calm me down and make me feel comforted.” “I miss you. I don’t want to see you for the sex. My favorite part is just being near you and with you.” “I miss you.” Y’all I honestly think he just wants me to snuggle and rub on him sometimes. And he will be so sweet and we will have the most amazing talks, and I will think this is the time. He will be the way he was after this. We will talk every day, he won’t ghost me. And then he will just disappear.

Does this have to do with him feeling deserted from his last failed relationships while he was overseas being shot at? I’m honestly at a loss. I know I should just shut the door and move on, but I truly care for him. I know it’s fast , but I honestly think I’m in love with this man, and it hurts so much knowing he doesn’t feel that way. On one hand I feel like he is just using me, and on the other I feel like he just can’t figure out how to connect with people anymore. It’s like he tries so hard and then just stops.

I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. If I keep extending myself to him, I’m just going to get more and more hurt. I’m not sure if he will ever come around.