10 years looking for help

At 13 I was diagnosed with depression

I’m 23 now and I’ve gotten no medical help even tho I’ve been trying every year non stop to find a therapist and clinical help....

Every single time I go to a new clinic they diagnose me with a new mental illness...

Ten years later...

Depression

Anxiety

Bi polar disorder

Social phobia

Borderline personality disorder

And still... no help.

No therapy, no medication...

I honestly don’t know how I’m dealing when everyday I contemplate killing myself but I really am too depressed to even have the energy to attempt

And also too bi polar to commit to a choice of living or dying...

It literally just sucks bc I have to live a normal life on the daily even tho internally I feel so fucking sick but I cannot quit.

It’s so sad bc if I had a fever or bad cough or my arm was broken it would b different

Maybe then I can get a break....

I just want to cry and go to the beach, talk to God

Feel love again...

I feel so insane and dealing alone is basically just leaving me in a place of illusion and disillusion

Just needed to write this out.