Episiotomy & 4th degree tear = hit to my self esteem

Hi guys, I'm really looking for some advice or similar stories.

I was always in great shape, I gained 30 lb during pregnancy & gave birth to a huge 9lb 9 oz baby boy 7 weeks ago. It was a forceps delivery with episiotomy & 4th degree tear. Recovery was tough and I still don't feel 100%. I take a stool softener or I bleed when I have a movement. If I walk too much, my area gets uncomfortable. I also have some gas incontinence.

I refuse to even look down there with a mirror. My self esteem has taken a huge hit. I cry when I think about my body- I don't even recognize it or feel like it's mine. I cancelled my 6 week appointment because I don't want anyone down there. I know, that's bad. I have NO sex drive...I don't want to even kiss my husband. I literally feel asexual. My mom keeps asking me if I'm "all good there now" and when I say no she appears shocked. It was a rough labor!!

Sorry this was long.

Has anyone been through this?