i don’t know why, but for some reason i feel like i need to tell my story. maybe someone needs to hear it, maybe someone needs a little bit of hope. i’m not sure, but something has been telling me to share, so i’m going too.

i met alan in the summer of 2014. we fell madly in love and just a short month later, he left for 16 weeks for the military. i got to go and get him October 7th, and he proposed! i said yes, and 20 short days later..we were married. our relationship was far from easy. we struggled a lot, in just about every way a couple can. in the summer of 2015, he was once again gone for the military. while he was gone, i was diagnosed with PCOS. i remember calling him bawling my eyes out, telling him he could leave me. he wanted kids and i would probably never be able to give him that. he cried and told me he wasn’t going anywhere, that we would work through it together. a few months later, i started intense testing and procedure to help increase my chances of a natural pregnancy. nothing was working. in march of 2016, my doctor prescribed me clomid. i took it the way i was supposed too. and i told myself if i didn’t get pregnant off the one round, we would just take a break and i would focus on school. by this time i was mentally and physically just exhausted. low and behold, i got pregnant. in may we went in for our first ultrasound...i’ll never forget the way my stomach dropped when they said “triplets” ..we were over the moon! just weeks later, we had another ultrasound and had lost one of the babies. i was devastated. alan showed absolutely no emotion at this point. this was the dramatic time when i lost my husband completely. he stopped coming home at night, he stopped calling, texting, everything. we never talked. i found out he had been have an affair with a female we both worked with. i was devastated, naturally. we stayed together, and tried to “fix” the issue. but it just lead to more affairs. we moved towns, more affairs. i did the whole pregnancy with the twins..alone. the children he wanted so badly, he wanted nothing to do with. the person i once loved, was gone. the twins came into the world 10 weeks early, and were immediately sent to the NICU. i stayed with them every minute. i stayed right across from the hospital so i could be there in the drop of a hat. i can honestly count on one hand, how many times their dad came to visit them. they were there for over 6 weeks. the day they both got to go home, he didn’t even show up to the hospital. and when i got home with them, he was gone. he showed up a couple hours later and went straight to bed. 2 weeks later, he kicked me out. the kids and i left, and stayed with a friend of mine for 2 months. he begged and begged for me to come back, so i did. only to find out the affair he was having, was still going on. she turned him into his job and he got fired so he left me and my children in a town where we knew no one. he took my vehicle and was gone for over a week. no contact. nothing. i finally called his mom, and she came and got the three of us. he finally called me when he found out we were in the same town as him. he would stay out all night long drinking, and then sleep all day. he refused to watch his children while i worked, and refused to get a job. in august of 2017, he finally got a job. but the staying out all night didn’t stop. his family never saw him. we adjusted to life without him, as that’s hows it’s been for a while. keep in mind, he was still having all these affairs but was begging me not to leave him. he would tell everyone we were getting divorced. in december 2017, he finally moved out. he had met some girl who was still in high school and moved out so he could spend more time with her. she would get mad at him if he came over to see his kids, so eventually he stopped doing that, even though it was only once a week. and when he wanted sex. in may 2017, he left again for the military. and while he was gone, told me how much he wanted his family. cried about all the wrong he’d done. so we moved back in together in june. for a couple weeks everything was okay. not great, but okay. mid july, i got a positive home pregnancy test. he seemed excited about it. but at the end of july, i found out he was still seeing the girl so i told him to leave. he fought and fought it, but finally did. not before some physical altercations. the day he left my house, he moved in with this girl. she bought him everything his heart desired. a brand new truck, golf clubs, the works. august 13, i had my first ultrasound and they told me they couldn’t find a heartbeat. because absolutely nothing could go right. i started seeing a guy that i worked with. and that was going great. i filed for divorce on august 20th. but at the end of august alan finally asked to see his kids, so i let him. i ended up in the er that night, and was told i was in fact still pregnant. WOW. so i told the guy i was seeing, and he told me f i wanted to be with him, i would have to have an abortion. mind you, he has 5 children. so i broke that off. but then a couple days later alan asked if i would bring them to see him before he left for work. i did. it was the first time we’d seen each other since we split. we ended up talking and getting back together. the kids and i went on his work trip with him. everything seemed great. we get back home, and everything falls apart again. i had quit my job because he told me too. left my house, everything. i found us a new house, we were set to move in a week. had an ultrasound and he chose to skip it to play golf, get drunk with his friends and be an ass. and HE WAS STILL SEEING THIS GIRL. so he left my house on monday night, and not 10 minutes later was in her bed. he took my car. but i left my house. went and stayed with my parents. he came back while i was gone, took my kids TV, Xbox, movies..everything. he took this girl, and moved into our new house with her. since then, he hasn’t seen his kids one time. she does not want my children around, so i don’t let them go to his house. and he refuses to not bring her to see them. so he doesn’t see them. he’s never paid a dime in child support either. i’m hoping to get a court date very soon about the divorce and custody hearing. which, he’s a alcoholic and never been around his kids, so i don’t feel at all worried about it. the kids and i are doing just fine without him. we’re happier actually. no fighting, no drama. just me and them. and we’re 16&3 with our newest addition! which, alan will not get any rights too. for about two weeks he begged and begged me to come back. said he would kick his girlfriend out, the whole 9 yards. but i just asked myself, why? so he can do this all over again? no. i’ve been alone for over 2 years, i’m staying away from him. in the past week, i’ve reconnected with an old flame of mine, and things are great. he’s so sweet and treats me exactly the way a woman should be treated. he loves my children, and is over the moon about the baby. i can’t help but feel he was sent to me, to save myself.

emotionally, mentally, physically, the lasts 4 years i’ve been abused. i escaped. i survived. i’m so damn proud of myself. i have a long ways to go in terms of healing myself, but everyday is a little better. i’m beyond blessed for my support system, my kids, my life. i almost lost my life 4 times in the past 8 months due to the abuse. i know in my heart, i’ll never go back. i’ll never put myself or my kids through that again.

if you are going through anything similar, please...feel free to reach out to me. i’m the most non judgmental person you could talk too. i know you can’t leave a situation until in your heart you are ready. but, i can tell you..you are worth so much more. you are beautiful and you deserve the love you keep trying to give. him cheating? isn’t okay. him hitting you? isn’t normal. being belittled and talked down too? isn’t right. but until you’re strong enough to leave, you won’t. but once you do, it’s like a breath of fresh air.

my love to anyone going through what seems impossible, you’re all beautiful..💕