Ive been losing my mind lately. Feeling like theres no way out of this rut ive dug for myself. I lost my apartment and my car in the same week, and the money I was intending to use for an apartment was spent to bail my boyfriend out of jail. We've been living with my parents for the past few months and I've been horrible to him. I get upset when things arent going a certain way, or if i asked him to do something and halfasses. The fact that I get upset isnt the issue, its the way I go about it. The smallest things send me into a fury, like irrational pms fury. I lash out at him about things I know he's insecure about, his intelligence, our situation, ill even threaten our relationship. Believe it or not none of it is intentional. Im fully aware of what I'm saying and how it affects him but its like I only become aware of whats going on and what Im doing when he tells me I'm mean. It's happened almost nonstop for the past couple of months. I love him with my everything and I dont want to hurt him like this but I feel so out of touch. Like I'm here but I'm just watching. I just want to be better and give him the love he deserves. This could be stress or a personality disorder coming to light. Today he told me he wanted to die the day after my birthday because he feels like a failure to everyone, me his family, and society. I havent stopped crying. I'm apart of this mans demons. I hurt him and I want to stop so desperately. He puts up with so much from me. He isn't necessarily the smartest or even the kindest but he is genuine. For most of his life people have counted him out. His own family wont help him out when hes down. The people you're supposed to be able to go back too no matter what. The people you should feel the most love from. I am the pinnacle of love in his life and all I do is degrade him and break his spirit prjecting my own pain onto him. He doesn't deserve it from me or anyone else. I wish I could free him. I wish he could see the beauty I see in him I wish I could show him how I truly feel for him. Im so scared I wont have him anymore.