I miscarried when I wasn’t supposed to

Today I am angry. I’m angry that my body was so much a perfectionist, it threw away the strongest and most amazing love I’d ever known. I’m angry that I wasn’t “most women” and nothing I read or prayed for helped. I didn’t have severe bleeding before or body-seizing cramps. I had cramps that felt like my normal ones but consistent. I held my little blueberry in my hand, still cocooned in its bubble that I made just for them. I cried, and I screamed and I felt the hell that is losing my child through my chest. The heartbeat I had heard two days before was gone, and I had no control. For hours I bled, sitting and just waiting in the GYN ER for them to be ready enough to tell me I couldn’t hold in my baby. Soon enough I had 3 people in a room all watching as I had tissue ripped from my cervix, and a probe that told me there was no life in my womb. I cried and i cried when I would never cry at a doctors office before, no matter what worries I had. Before this, I had sat and begged God to let me keep it and I planned to attend church to beg even more. But He didn’t give me that opportunity. Instead, He deemed me an unfit mother and robbed me of my greatest creation. Today I am angry to say the least, and no one will convince me this happens to “many women” because this is a pain like no other and no woman should ever be thrown in a general population as a statistic. I mourn my baby and everything they could’ve been, and I mourn the mothers that are looked over everyday and told to “just relax” or “think happy thoughts” when they’re in the most worried state of their pregnancy. I am angry and I am heartbroken, I have every right to be.