Am I a piece of shit?

I am a mother of two. Two very beautiful children and i wouldn't nor would i ever change anything. I am always to their needs, their shadow, my cardio rate is probably higher than my own heart beat, they eat before me, they're always with me and they're never left alone. My mommy skills are on point even at 4 in the morning.

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Their father, however.

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Granted this man had his good days the first couple of days we got together in the beginning (No longer together of course). He seemed happy, excited and ecstatic to be around, we seemed like we were on top of the world. Until i told him i was pregnant with our daughter. I've never seen a face look so pissed, depressed, in "ugh", lost and just angry in one setting. It was so uncomfortable. No smiles, he wasn't smiling by any means. I had found out during my pregnancy that he was cheating on me, for an entire year with the mother of his second child. (Including ours, he has four. Two other mothers). You know, as someone who had fallen so deeply for the man at the time, i had my fall, but i allowed him to be around. I was with him. Didn't exactly forgive, but i wanted him. But things didn't work out, i wasn't the same happy person anymore.

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He avoided our daughter for an entire year.

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Maybe a visit or two just to drop off what his mother had bought. That didn't settle with me by any means. We eventually worked things out again, and i had told him, that if

.. [ he were to ever do that to her again, I'd cut him off without any hesitation ].

Once again things were iffy and just not right. He left me, for reasons i don't know of. I tried helping him with a place to stay and he got pissed off and left me. So from then on, we no longer tried to be together due to me making it clear that i won't continue putting myself in that situation.

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He started avoiding again. Slowly but it was there. It was aggravating the hell out of me. I then had found out i was pregnant with our son, so he "wanted to be around". Didn't get together of course because fuck that. Throughout my pregnancy with my son, it was nothing but stress. Depression. So much pain. And yet some avoidance from a certain you know who. Granted he helped a bit throughout, but not a lot. When our son was born, he had some smile, but then again he didn't. The faces were dull, emotionless, where was the excitement?

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Arguments. So many. It wasn't good nor was it healthy. He was avoiding. Still.

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Under certain circumstances, my mother had allowed him a roof over his head so he stayed with her a bit. So was i, until i got my apartment. This man.

This, very, uneasy man. Guy.

- Being jumped on a certain basis is fucked. It's extremely common.

- Always coming back with bruises, cuts, black eyes, due to some fight he wouldn't stay out of or running his mouth.

- Alcoholic, always drinking. Always fucking drinking.

- His phone was his main priority. Always on it, nothing could get in the way of it.

- Arguing.

- Avoidance.

- leaving for hours at a time.

- Can easily be in the same house and my children would see him two or three times throughout the week.

- He'll maybe say hey, i love you, give a kiss, maybe a small bounce session and done. Back to whatever he was doing.

- Fucking anything that walks.

- The police are on his ass almost on a daily basis.

- He cannot keep a conversation with my mom when it comes to them.

Etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.

I had enough, i tried letting it slide but i had enough, in my own personal opinion, a (Father) has every intention to be a good role model and to make sure his children have everything they need, especially a father showing his love and want to be there. My children shouldn't have to wait and see a man who lived in the same house, my daughter shouldn't keep saying where's daddy when he's upstairs or fucking some random woman. To avoid your children and just go do what you do without the thought that oh hey, i want to see them smile today. Let's go do this.

At one point he wanted our daughter upstairs with him while he played his game, completely left her downstairs and ignored what he had said.

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She no longer asked about him.

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I decided that, if someone wasn't going to be a father, when he has been one since 14 years old, then what is the point. (He isn't allowed to see his first child due to fucking around, avoiding, never caring, being an asshole, etc). He was almost, so damn close to being in the same situation with his second child because he wasn't trying. He wouldn't try to be a father. To be there for them.

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Being in the presence of your children doesn't mean you're spending time with them. By any fucking means. Where is the try. The want.

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My words to him where,

" when you find their father, let me know".

He's no longer allowed to see his children. I had cut him off. I didn't think it was right to have my daughter looking out of the window, around the house, or uo the stairs trying to find someone who isn't physically or mentally there with her.

I didn't want to see her look so disappointed.

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Its been a bit since i have chosen this.

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She's only asked about him once

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Am i a bad person for trying to give my children their lives? Is it wrong of me to make sure they're loved, cared for, to have everything need, for them not to worry. Am i a piece of shit for not allowing someone to talk up their game with no action in a repeated sense. Is it wrong of me, to want to see them smile.

Am i doing something wrong?

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For someone who's been a father since 14 years old and still doesn't know how to act like one, i don't see any hope. After your fourth child, you'd think something would impact. But considering after the first, it had zero effect. Everyone is against my decision. Blaming me for a lot, claiming me of different titles than i really am. And i just don't understand how people can still stand beside him and not see who he truly was.