Not cheating but...
So my husband of 7 months has a thing for sniffing used panties to get off while I'm off working. Just not MY panties. He finds them on Craigslist and either has them mailed to him or he actually prefers to find local women to buy them from that he can meet up with. I discovered this about him a couple months into the marriage and was pretty hurt. I told him that it made me feel unattractive, not sexy enough for him, and just generally like I was worthless. I specifically asked him not to do that anymore. I don't mind that he watches porn because in my mind that's somewhat removed- he very likely will never meet any of those women or have an opportunity to be with them so he can fantasize all he wants. But when he's meeting real women in our area and goes home to jerk off with their panties- that's way more personal in my opinion.
Anyway- I told him I didn't like it and it hurt me when he did that and he said he'd stop. Well you can guess how the turned out. I just caught him last week making plans to meet another woman to buy panties again. I confronted him and his response is that he isn't cheating so I just need to "get over it". The thing I'm upset about now isn't just the woman and her panties though. It's that he knew how I felt about it and he didn't care. He just wanted what he wanted and too bad for me. He did apologize and ended up not making that particular transaction but only because he got caught. Who knows how often it happens that I DON'T catch him? Because he sure won't be confessing anything I don't know for a fact without his help.
Things like that keep happening. I tell him something makes me feel like shit and he basically shrugs and tells me I'm overreacting and to "get over it". Or he deflects and suddenly wants to talk about how I've let him down in certain ways. And that's fine. I'm not perfect either and I'm willing to discuss that- but that's all he wants to talk about. My issues. Not his.
I'm pretty much done with this relationship. I feel so disrespected by him and have almost zero trust in him now. He says he loves me but I believe he only THINKS he loves me. Because I take care of him and pay the bills and put up with his Bullshit. If he really did he wouldn't knowingly do things that hurt me.
AM I overreacting? Do I have unrealistic views and expectations of loyalty from my husband.
*Note- I am kind of making plans to leave him. I hate it because I do love him, but I feel like I'm just a warm body to him. Replaceable. And I deserve better than that. My heart is becoming numb. Since he's not able/willing to talk to me about this reasonably or without deflecting I'm starting to put some money aside. I'll keep an eye on things as I have been already but next time it happens(and I have little doubt that it will but at the same time I have hope that things will change) I'll be prepared to peace out on my own terms.