Tough Decisions *long I’m sorry/suicide tw*

I’m 16, 17 soon, and I just lost my virginity about a week ago. Im not on BC until February, but he used 3 different condoms for 2 times he penetrated, threw the first one away bc he messed up putting it on. Both rounds he pulled out way before he needed to, the first time so premature that he put the third condom on and went back in bc he couldn’t cum. The third time he pulled out and I finished him off via bj for a good 5 minutes until he came. We didn’t do a water test on the condoms bc I had no idea what that was at the time, I wish I had.

I saw him inspect the condoms for rips and he said he didn’t see any. I’ve had two UTI’s in the span of two weeks, and my first one’s antibiotics ended the day we had sex. Still on them for my second one. My cycle is usually pretty irregular (the past 5 have been 43, 26, 36, 32, and 32 days long) and as can be seen, they last a while. I checked my calendar afterwards and saw that if it was correct I hadn’t been fertile for well over a week, in fact my period was supposed to start 2 days later. But it never came. I’m 6 days late now. My doctor knows about all of this, my parents however don’t, other than the UTI of course. I have really bad anxiety and I’ve been so stressed ever since the day my period didn’t come, a few minutes before writing this I had a panic attack over it. I’ve been sporadically feeling very sharp cramps that are typical of my PMS but I still have no sign of a period, however I have gone a while cycle of just cramping w no blood.

I tried to get a friend to get me a pregnancy test, but she told my bf who told her not to get it bc they both know my anxiety issues, even tho taking the test would ease my anxiety most likely. My boyfriend is wonderful, I really see a future w him and he does with me as well, he talks all the time about college and buying a house and raising a family w me, the latter two being many years ahead. I’m not ready for a kid and as much as he thinks he wants one, he’s not ready either. So I’m left with a few tough decisions.

1.) I could get an abortion, but as he’s very morally rigid I think he would leave me, and I wouldn’t blame him. However it would break my heart, as i feel like losing him would be losing everything: a promising, happy future, motivation, emotion. My previous bf I dated for two years, and I was abused for the majority of the time, and I’ve never felt the way I do about my current. I truly feel a pure, meaningful love with him.

2.) keep the baby, go through my remaining 1.5 yrs of HS as the laughing stock if I can even remain in school, most likely not be able to go to college and pursue my dreams, ruin mine and his reputation, me being ranked 20 in my class of ~360 and an avid volunteer, him being the captain of the football team and a promising engineer. His family would hate me and his dad would probably kick him out, and I couldn’t bare knowing that my folly is the reason his family fell apart.

3.) the most drastic, to kill myself. I effectively rid myself and my boyfriend of any issue, our parents don’t have to help us finance a child on top of tuition and early adulthood, his family will remain relatively the same, they won’t disown him at least, and he himself, I don’t know. I want to say he’ll get over it eventually, but I know it would be wrong and horrible to put him through that grief for any amount of time. I can maybe make it look like an accident. Overall, we’re seen as victims and therefore no one can be mad or judgmental.

I just don’t know.

EDIT: thank you for everyone that made their input. I realize that suicide shouldn’t be one of my options, I can think of other solutions. I don’t think I’ll be having sex again until I can emotionally handle it, probably when I’m on BC.