Marriage......

Sometimes i wonder why even get married..

This is not a rant but more like admitting defeat.

Ive always been overweight and i never wanted to get pregnant in this body, that was never my goal. I knew if i did it would be hard on my self esteem (what little i had of it) and it seemed like my husband loved me anyway. Since we’ve been together I’ve put on about 60lbs, 50 of which i had lost before we got together.

I digress. Im super excited about my baby boy, and cant wait to meet him, but I’ve felt nothing but loneliness since we’ve found out we’re pregnant.

My husband was never the lovey dovey type he always say “this isn’t a movie” while I’m the wear your heart on your sleeve type. I give compliments, I’m verbally, and physically affectionate. While he is not, this has always been one of our biggest issues and i don’t know how to get past this. Since I’ve been pregnant my husband treats me the exact same. Theres no finesse at all, theres no affection towards the baby, towards me. If i ask him to do something its me being lazy. If i find out something is not right with me (high blood pressure for ex) its my fault. Regardless of what the doctors may say, its my fault. I recently had a case of bacterial vaginosis, and he threw it in my face like its an std, mind u we haven’t had sex since July....... YEP JULY, while i can attest to the majority if the time it was me saying i wasn’t in the mood, the last couple of weeks i have and he has been denying me.... that’s nothing new, I’m not sure why this bothers me.... but he would bring it up, like “oh you need to clean yourself”, “idk where you’ve been”, “oh you need to get checked and bring me paperwork”. I feel so crushed at this point i wouldn’t be surprised if my blood pressure is high because of him.

He still thinks i should be cooking, & cleaning and go to work while making & caring our baby, but because i don’t work in the type of work he does, i shouldn’t be as tired or more than him. “Idk what tired is”. He will never go out of his way for me, even if its IN his way. He doesn’t understand that since the beginning I’ve felt every pain there is to feel, that the smell of some foods makes me nauseous (I’m overreacting and its not that serious) that i cant sleep at night because it’s physically uncomfortable, yes I’m tired!!!

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Im so stressed out and tired I’m literally at the thought of a divorce. 😞