Cheating

Sry this is more or less a rant. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Probably too damn long sry... but if you have something helpful to say that would be awesome and very much appreciated :)

I’m just mentally exhausted and frustrated. Being cheated on... is like the worst feeling I ever experienced. I been through a lot of bad things but this... idk I’m having a hard time.

You hurt if you stay. You hurt if you leave. You are haunted by visions of the person you love with someone else... You think about the fact if they didn’t stop it they enjoyed it. You think about if they did it more than once then he must like her more than you. It cracks the mirror view you have of yourself THAT... I think is the worst part. You question your looks. your weight. You want to change everything about you because you feel like something MUST be wrong with you! What if the person wasn’t in the right state of mind? What if they were really strung out but you had no idea bc they only did it when you were gone? Does that make it better...no because you still feel like if they loved you enough they still wouldn’t ever allowed the other person near them or the damn drugs near them as well! They say “I wasn’t even respecting myself” you can’t disagree bc hell they weren’t...but does that take your pain away... no!

Does beating the hell out of them both make it better no! I would love to but jail isn’t my thing. Never been and won’t be going because of that troll. Even tho they both deserve that. I don’t deserve the consequences. And yes... little ugly knew about me.

That song from (Cardi B- Be Careful) the whole song describes my feelings almost as I wrote it!

I’m mad... naturally. Every time I think of something in the future with us. I get sad/depressed/mad/frustrated back to depressed in that order.

I want to be a mother more than anything. When I think about that. I see it with only him. I love him. I chose to stay. I loved him past how he made me feel. He was on some serious drugs. He’s clean. He straighten up. I know he loves me. But WHEN if EVER does the anger go away???

A few weeks ago I seen she had a baby and naturally that whole deep gut-wrenching numbing pain happened again. luckily, later I found the birth announcement & it wasn’t his. The dates were too far apart. Before we knew... I told him he began to cry. He told me “idk I dont wanna know... that means I really did F up my life. I wasn’t supposed to have a baby with her. I was supposed to have one with you. I love you...” 😔 I felt what he was saying was truly sincere... but I still have those moments... Those moments of self-doubt that turns into anger.