Family Dysfunction

This is a long post but.. I’m adopted and just found my biological mother and father last December. It’s weird trying to talk to her and maybe meet her because she’s a stranger to me after all these years. Don’t have a good relationship with her. I was adopted at age 3 and my adoptive mother and I have always been close up until my teen years . Now we are extremely dysfunctional and I’ve got kicked out twice . Once when I turned 18 and then I came back and around May it was almost graduation, and an altercation ensued and I was out. Spent the summer with my grandmother because my mom was not dealing with me and when I came back to Tennessee my mom helped me get ready for college . Every since I left for college, I feel kicked out again. Most students have a room and some clothes to come back to . Not me . my mom made my room a guest room and basically feels as though I’m 19 and In college I don’t have to come back home. to an extent she’s right. I gotta live my life but it still feels weird that if I do come home on breaks I won’t have anything to come home to. I brought all my stuff in my room to college🤷🏾‍♀️. Now I’m at a point where I kinda don’t want to come back home just want to stay in college and after I graduate, disappear . I spent thanksgiving,and now Christmas with my boyfriend and feel like that’s the only family I have . Is just him. I’m close to my aunt but still it’s hurtful to not be close to my mom and I know I did things to push her away but still . I don’t even want to have my own family because my children wouldn’t have a grandmother or close cousins because I’m the only child🤦🏾‍♀️. Literally . If it wasn’t for my boyfriend I’d be spending Christmas in my on campus apartment. And the sad part? My boyfriend has close friends that in fact stay in the same city /town my mom and aunt stays in and I’ve been here a week with him and his friends and just told my aunt I’m here.. literally didn’t wanna tell them I’m here