LONG AND GRAPHIC SORRY My boyfriend doesn’t understand my depression

Hi guys, so before I start I just firstly want to say this probably won’t be a short story. I talk a lot and get carried away here and also I sound like a whiny baby ok but just read 😟

Starting from when I was a kid, I was raised in a violent and manipulative household. My mom was an alcoholic and had struggled with substance abuse before I was born. My father had similar upbringing and he grew violent tendencies, which showed increasingly throughout the course of my childhood. My dad, basically, beat the shit out of her. Sometimes in front of me, sometimes behind closed doors. I became more separated from my classmates because I grew to resent them. There would often be traumatic incidents id witness which I still think about today. When I was maybe 9 years old my parents were caught in a heated argument and my dad lashed out on her, grabbed the largest serving plate, and smashed it over her arm. My mom was a small lady and her arm just broke entirely. My dad then realized someone made a noise complaint when a fellow neighbour warned him of it, running down the stairs of our apartment, leaving me stuck in the living room watching my mom nonstop crying. The police came to the door and my mom instructed me to wrap her arm up in my dads white socks so that the blood wouldn’t drip on the floor. She had half her body showing to the cops and assured them nothing was wrong. Growing up in government assisted housing, the cops didn’t need much to lay off. Ever since that day I’ve had nightmares of that scene and I really can’t let go of it. Years go by of this same nonsense until my mom became physically abusive towards me. one day she slapped me in the face while she was driving in her car, and made me get out. I didn’t really know what to do so I called my sister, who was 19 at the time and already moved out, and she called children’s aid. From that point on I lived with my grandma (moms side) who really didn’t like me(I was 12 at this point) She blamed my birth as the reason my mom couldn’t shake off her alcohol addiction and resented me because she said everything got worse when I was in the picture. She also hated my dad so the fact she had to provide home to his daughter wasn’t a happy thing. Ok well now I realize this whole backstory wasn’t related to the first topic and well I just felt like I wanted to say that and get it off my chest. Anyways from this I formed different mental illnesses, namely depression and anxiety. When I was a kid it was bad. I was in and out of child service meetings, hated myself and my appearance, and overall really just wanted to give up. When I turned 14 I tried to kill myself, then again when I was 15. Both times I woke up with my mother beside me. Around this point my mom began rehab and her relapses were less often, so I had her to rely on. My dad was fighting to regain custody of me and he won - because he didn’t have a criminal record and my mom had a history of substance abuse. I moved back in with my dad when I was 14, in a basement apartment. This kinda fucked my mood up big time and beginning high school was just a shit show. One good thing though is that I’m great at socializing and blending in, and it’s helped me cope. However, I had problems which held me back from forming meaningful relationships with others. Grade 10(?) I had my first boyfriend, who I put my entire trust into. He had a similar past as I did and I felt so happy to find someone who experienced what I did. I felt very accepted. We dated for around 7months and somethings happened, which completely murdered (dramatic lol) my faith in love. Anyways a year passed, and I finally decided to pursue having something with a guy I met through social media(my current boyfriend). He’s a great guy and he’s proved to me he accepts me for who I am. The issue however is that there’s absolutely no understanding of what it’s like having mental illnesses. I’ve tried to tell him of my family and the crap I went through and it was completely uncomfortable. He said I’m sorry for what happened to you and that was that. It’s so hard for me to try to open up to him. I do try because i really want to share with him what life is like for me, but he doesn’t want to understand. It is a big part of who I am, but he doesn’t get that. I’ve told him of my depression and at times suicidal tendencies. He told me to try making new friends. I just think he feels everything can be solved by finding means of distraction. My depression and anxiety I have always struggled with this and I feel this is going to grow into a bigger issue. I just want to have him understand. He gets frustrated over little things too and it kills me because I do really try my best. He always wants me to be affectionate but I tell him I can’t do that. I won’t always be in a loving state and I can’t always be happy towards you. He thinks that if he can do it, I can do it. I can’t provide him with a type of love he needs and it’s hard because I do

Love him but I cant give all that. I honestly feel he’s too sensitive but I grew up in a completely different environment and i can’t go around mommying him all day. I do also try to pay attention to him but I can’t keep it up constantly. He says that when I don’t persay send him a little text good morning or if I don’t respond to his text, I don’t care about him. And he’ll throw a little fit. I don’t know if I’m not as caring as I should be. I know what he needs and I try my best but I feel it’s unreasonable To me- I have my own life to deal with and I can’t always check in on him. So basically, he just doesn’t get it. I just need some help because I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s a great guy and he cares so much about me, but I feel drained sometimes and when I have issues which he can’t relate to, they go overlooked.