Surviving a narcissist / psychopath

I met this guy 2 years ago at my job, and I thought he was the most amazing person in the world. I met him after leaving a 3 year situation. I wasn’t looking for love. He was previously engaged (she cheated) so he wasn’t looking for love either. We agreed to have some fun and it was fun for a while. He would spend the night, and we were seeing each other very often. Feelings started getting involved.

He started pushing me away. He would push me away and disappear for days, weeks or months. Then he would pop back up with an apology acting as if nothing ever happened. I cared about him so much that I accepted that. He told me a few times that he was manipulative, lacked empathy, and trusted no one. However when we were around each other, he was the sweetest person ever.

We ended up getting pregnant, and he told me he wasn’t ready. I am significantly older than him, and I already have a pre-teen. One night he went into a bashing fit. Told me there were other girls that he was going back and forth with, he wanted a kid just not with me, he said I needed to get an abortion, said he slept with other girls but I was the only girl he slept with unprotected. The next day he apologized for how the message was conveyed but said he meant every word. That night really broke me down, and I turned angry. We argued for a month straight. I eventually stopped answering him, and it was like he flipped a switch. He was texting, calling, and apologizing. I finally stopped ignoring him and then we came to terms with having the baby. Unfortunately I lost it on Christmas. He was out of town. I was so hurt, and I pushed him away. I said mean things because I was hurt. I tried apologizing and he said it was okay. He told me would come see me when he got back in town. Well he never did. He completely left me to deal with the miscarriage and having the flu on top of everything by myself. I finally had enough and called going off. He told me to get the f*** over having a miscarriage and turned everything around on me. We didn’t speak anymore after that until May of this year. He started coming back in my job, complementing me and hugging me. I fell back in his charm. Then one day in June one of my friends lurked on his social media and sent me screenshots. So the next time I saw him at my job, I rolled my eyes. He never came back in after that. I haven’t seen him in 7 months. This whole time, I have missed him. I know it’s stupid of me to do so. I really loved him. My friends all think he’s a f***boy and hate him. Even after all the bad and mean things he has done, I didn’t see the bad in him. I’ve been dating during those 7 months, but I haven’t had the vibe or spark that I get with him with anyone else. He came in my job today to purchase some things. He spoke, asked how my Christmas was and told me to take care. Later that day, I saw his car in the parking lot and there was a girl in it. She came in wearing his clothes, and he waited outside of the car. I was beyond hurt, and I cried for hours. I guess a little part of me always held on to hope. Why can I not get over him? Why am I still holding on to hope? I feel like a stupid idiot. Why do I still love him? Why was I not good enough for him?