UPDATE 2: 01/12/2019

You guys are just so amazing and I love every single one of you that have taken the time to comment on this post! We finished up with fertile week during the beginning of this week. And I think I’m currently 6 dpo! I’m trying not to symptom spot because I just feel like we didn’t get to time it right this month. I’m currently trying to decide if I should test the morning my SO leaves which is Tuesday the 15th (9 dpo) or if I should wait until the day before AF shows on Sunday the 20th (14 dpo).

When I was pregnant with Ethan. We could a vvvfl in 9 dpo. But I don’t know if I want to put myself through those emotions of what if again just yet. What do you ladies think? The 15th or the 20th?? Help!

UPDATE: 12/29/18

I first just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to every single one of you! When I wrote this, I really didn’t imagine it to get hardly any attention! I just wanted to write about our story since I had read all these birth stories the past 10 months.

I am so blessed with such an amazing community of women here! You guys have been so supportive and comforting! I shed a few tears as I read some of your comments. So many of you have also lost babies. It’s an unfortunate and terrible thing to go through and my prayers are with you all! My intention is to reply to every one of you but if I miss your comment, just know it is incredibly appreciated!

As for our TTC journey for those who have asked. I just got rid of AF about a day or two ago. So we still have a little ways until ovulation day but I’ll be keeping you updated throughout the month! Fingers crossed ladies! 🤞🏼🤞🏼

12/27/18

It’s been over 5 months since my sweet Ethan went to heaven. And I’m going to try to be quick in telling our story.

It started in October 2017. My SO and I decided we were going to give my step daughter a sibling. I was so ready to be a mommy and give our gorgeous girl a baby sibling. I stopped my BC in October. In January, we had a chemical pregnancy. And then in February, we got our sticky bean.

I was so excited and so nervous. I have a bicornuate uterus, which means it’s heart shaped. That gives me a higher chance for miscarriage so I was scared. We got to see our baby bean 3 times from 5 weeks to 8 weeks due to that condition. But our bean held on tight and continued to thrive.

We had a due date of November 11th. I always loved the idea of having our bean on 11/11. I was born on 7/7. The babies grandpa was born on 12/12. And the babies aunt was born on 3/3. So double dates always kinda stuck in the two families! But god had other plans.

Fast forward to May. On Mother’s Day, my step daughter helped me announce that we were bringing in a new family member! I was so terrified to let everyone in on our secret but once I did, it was kind of a relief.

We did the genetic testing to find out the gender of our bean! We were so excited to find out that we were having a BOY! My step daughter was so sad that she wasn’t getting a little sister because her mommy was having a boy as well.

Unfortunately the same day, May 24th, was the day my world ended. We found out that our son has Anencephaly. To anyone that doesn’t know, Anencephaly is a neural tube defect. It is extremely rare and fatal. It’s where the top of the neural tube doesn’t close in the first 21-28 days of pregnancy so the skull and brain don’t form. I will always remember that day. I had to go to the hospital to see a ultrasound tech because my dr couldn’t see the top of our son’s head and wanted to check it out. Looking back I was so naive. I didn’t think this would be anything huge but boy was I wrong. I can remember that the ultrasound tech kept leaving the room and then would come back. And I remember when she came back with my dr, my stomach dropped to my butt and my gut just told me he wasn’t going to survive.

So we went and saw a specialist. And took some time to make our decision. When you have a pregnancy with a fatally ill baby, you have a couple options. You can choose to terminate the pregnancy or carry to term.

I hated the term “terminate” and I always will. Now let me say that I am very pro choice. But I just knew that I couldn’t go through the emotional turmoil of carrying full term. To the women that have carried the anencephalic babies to term, you are the strongest women imaginable. But I knew in my heart that our decision to meet our son early was the best for my SO and I. So we set the date. July 10th, just 3 days after my birthday, we went in to be induced at 21+3 to meet our baby early.

This was my last bump pic from my birthday.

We went in at 7pm and started with cytotec. I got a 1/2 dose of that every four hours. It did absolutely nothing for me except give me pretty awful period like cramps. There was no uniformity to it, they just felt kinda constant. Until about 2pm on July 11th, I just had a morphine drip and slept through it. And that’s where a flip kinda switched. All of a sudden, I was having contractions and they were right on top of each other. Maybe 5 seconds apart so not really any relief between them. So I asked for the epidural. I got the epidural around maybe 3:30. It was sweet sweet relief. But maybe 30 mins after getting it, I felt tremendous pressure in my butt so I knew something was going on. Being a FTM, I didn’t know what to expect but reading all of these stories helped me notice the pressure was different. So I had the nurse check me. I was at a 5. But my waters were bulging. So they called my dr. Since our son was so small, I only needed to be dilated to a 5 to push. My dr came in and broke my water. And had me push one small push and my sweet Ethan Parker was born. 4:19 pm on July 11th, my heart stopped. He was born alive and placed on my chest. I remember through my river of tears, I looked up at my SO and told him”he has your nose”. And he did. He was the most handsome baby I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

After having him was a blur. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low and I got sick multiple times. I kept passing out after as well. But my sweet Ethan held on. He lived for just over two hours. I truly believe he held on for so long so he could get just a little extra love from his family and his mom. I believe he held on to make sure I was okay. He passed at 6:30 that evening. While we were in the hospital, we had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) come take complimentary photos. She was so amazing and I will cherish these photos forever.

We were very lucky to spend an extra night with him at the hospital. I held him so much, I never wanted to let him go. Leaving the hospital after giving birth without a baby is a very bizarre experience. One I truly hope none of you have to experience. But it’s taught me to truly appreciate life and all of its wonders.

I believe that I had my son to open my eyes to how precious life is. I think he was sent here to renew my faith in my god. And I am so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing guardian angel watching over me.

This holiday season was difficult. I couldn’t help but think with every thanksgiving and every Christmas we went to that something was missing. But I’m reminded that Ethan is with me. Every time the sun shines on my face or when my step daughter talks about how happy she is that she has her baby Ethan (he’s her baby) to watch over her, I’m reminded that my sweet boy is here.

Now that it’s been over 5 months, we have since decided to try again. Since my SO travels for work, we only get to try every other month. He is home for our January chance and my ovulation date is consequently on his birthday! I can’t help but feel like this might be our month. I’ve just had a sense of calm and readiness washed over me. But I know that my god has a plan for me and I’m patient because he knows what’s best for me.

To anyone who made it to the end, I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I want to wish everyone TTC a lot of baby dust. To everyone that’s pregnant, I wish you a healthy pregnancy. And all the new mommies, I wish you a lifetime of snuggles and love. Thank you for reading my sweet boys story. God bless. ❤️