My (long) Story (TTC-Clomid-Pregnancy-Miscarriage)

My husband and I started TTC after our first wedding anniversary on a trip to Europe. We had agreed to be married a full year and to take one more awesome trip after our honeymoon before starting a family. I was so ready to have a baby right away but agreed that we should enjoy some time together while we still can. I guess I always assumed that once we started trying it would happen fairly quickly.

I have a lot of family and close friends who have had infertility issues and miscarriages, but I just didn’t think that would be me.

After the first two months of TTC with no luck, i decided to start tracking my bbt and using OPKs to try to time intercourse better and increase our chances. Two months of daily temperature readings and peeing on a stick for 14 days out of the month trying to determine ovulation date was emotionally exhausting and just plain annoying. Despite not getting a positive opk, I still spent the two-week wait anxious and hopeful. If my period was even an hour late I’d start taking pregnancy tests. They always resulted in a BFN.

Needless to say I discovered a lot during those few months and felt I had enough information to go to the doctor. I got bloodwork to test hormone levels and had an ultrasound to check for cysts on my ovaries. Bloodwork looked good. No cysts, but Dr did inform me I have “heart-shaped” ovaries. She said this would not explain why I haven’t been able to get pregnant, but that once I do (IF I do), that it would mean a increased chance for miscarriage. Thanks for that info, doc. Super helpful.

What she was able to confirm was that I have irregular cycles with unpredictable lengths. I was likely not ovulating at all - for no good reason that she could determine. She suggested I start Clomid to induce ovulation.

Cycle one on Clomid (50mg) did not result in ovulation. I had some side effects, the worst being some pretty serious night sweats. Doctor told me next month we would up the dose to 100mg.

After my next period (which came right on time surprisingly) I started my 5 days of Clomid (cue mood swings and night sweats). I started ovulation tests on day 12 as directed and did not get a positive until CD19. We had sex daily or every other day for two straight weeks. On December 11th, I took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest line - so faint I was sure I was imagining it. This was CD 32 and my doctor wanted to start me on meds to start my period so we could get on to the next cycle of Clomid. I told her about the faint line and asked her to wait on the meds. The next day, another faint line. She sent me in for bloodwork to confirm - I got a positive result! My hCG level was at 40. I was pregnant!!! I knew it was early so tried to be cautious about my emotions, but after 6 months of trying I was so damn happy. Doctor wanted me to confirm with another blood test 48 hours after the first to make sure my levels were rising. My second bloodwork was 86, the levels doubled. From my incessant googling, I knew this number was still very low, but it doubled so I felt positive. The next week or so I had some evening nausea, increased fatigue, and sore breasts. I told a few close friends and my mom and SIL.

For my mom, I had wrapped a Christmas present that has a onesie inside that said “guess what?” I thought about waiting until Christmas but I just couldn’t so I called her on a Monday (12/17) and told her I had a present that she needed to open early. Her reaction was priceless. She has been wanting this just as bad as I have and she cried so hard when she realized what the present was.

Tuesday and Wednesday passed with lots of reading about early stages of pregnancy, downloading the app and looking at images, size of baby, what to expect next, etc, and even narrowing down the list of baby names I’ve had on my phone for two years. We were so, so happy.

On Thursday I woke up and decided to take another at home pregnancy test. I wanted to see how dark the line was compared to when I took it early on before the bloodwork confirmed. The line was barely there. I panicked. I googled. I read so many stories with conflicting opinions - some says at home tests are qualitative, as long as there is a line you’re good. Others sharing personal stories of their own line getting lighter instead of darker and resulting in miscarriage. I convinced myself that there was nothing I could do, worrying wouldn’t help, and I was not peeing on any more sticks. I had my 6-week ultrasound in just 4 days (it was scheduled for the day after Christmas). Well Friday I woke up and couldn’t stand it, so I did take another test. Basically no line. I called my doctor and she said she could rush bloodwork so if I got there by noon I would know before the end of the day and the holiday weekend. I was planning to share with more immediate family members over the holiday weekend so I wanted to know for sure before sharing with anyone else. I went for the bloodwork, worked for a few hours, then came home so my husband and I could call together and get the results.

The nurse told me on Friday afternoon, three days before Christmas, that my levels had dropped significantly and I should expect that I would experience the bleeding of a miscarriage within the next week.

I was crushed. I cried and cried the rest of that day, feeling so angry about the timing and the emotional roller coaster this has been. I wished I hadn’t gotten pregnant at all because another BFN before Christmas would have been better than this. I also felt extremely anxious about what to expect physically, and hated that my anxiety led me to find out and now just have to wait in anticipation of the worst. I knew it was early and the nurse told me it should be like a typical period, maybe with more cramping/clotting. But I have heard firsthand stories of very intense miscarriages and I felt terrified. We also had plans to travel out of town for the first family Christmas party the very next day. The thought of staying overnight somewhere through this process was awful, but I knew staying home without the distraction would be worse.

Friday was terrible. Saturday morning we woke up and cried a bit more, trying to get it all out before we had to put on a face and spend the day celebrating Christmas with my in-laws. Going to the family party was overall positive and was a good distraction. I didn’t want to drink and people knew we were trying so we got lots of questions about whether we were pregnant. We eventually just told my mother in law the truth and told everyone else I just wasn’t feeling well. When it was time to open presents all I could think about was the present that we had wrapped for his mom (same that we did for mine) that she was supposed to open. I couldn’t help thinking about how different it would feel if we were still sharing our news. I also found myself wishing I was just naive and didn’t find out that we were miscarrying so I still could have had that positive experience. Then I felt dumb for thinking that, because ultimately that would be even worse.

Anyways, I got through the hour-long present opening and just kept to myself the rest of the evening. I started experiencing some light cramping. I decided to go to bed early. I slept pretty well, but around 7am the cramps woke me up from my sleep. I went to the bathroom and the bleeding started. The cramps were pretty intense but I had brought stick on heating pads and that helped. I woke my husband up and we cried together again. I asked him to take me home. The three hour drive home was sad and we were quiet most of the trip. The cramps continued but I really only bled a lot when I went to the bathroom. By the time we got home the cramps had lessened and we just laid on the couch all afternoon.

I was thankful that the physical part was over and it was not as bad as I worried it could be. Emotionally, I was still drained. My husband was amazing and so supportive. The next few days we spent with my side of the family and we ended up telling everyone what we had just experienced. My family was supportive and a good distraction.

This week the emotions come and go. I feel so angry and frustrated about how easy it is for so many others and why it has to be so hard for us. Then I remember some of the women I know who are much further along in their journey of TTC and have experienced much more. As my doctor said, the good news from all of this is that I was able to become pregnant. I hate how long this process takes as it will be another 6-8 weeks before we can really try again. I’m just so ready and every month that passes is so hard.

The timing of a miscarriage before Christmas was bittersweet. It was definitely not the cheerful holiday full of good news that we had envisioned when we first found out we were pregnant. But to be around family and have the distraction did help me keep my mind off of it.

I’m not sure what my goal is by sharing my story. I know all the stories I have read over the last six months have helped me feel less alone and better understand the multitude of factors and possible situations that you could encounter as you’re trying to conceive. I wishing nothing but the best to all of you ladies reading this! You are not alone!! And one day we WILL get our happy ending, we just might not know yet when/how/what it might look like.