Found out i was losing you on christmas eve..lost you on new years eve.

This pregnancy was such an emotional roller coaster from day 1.

We werent trying for another baby at the moment, our first born is only 21 months. I took a test for shits and giggles because i ate alot that night which was unlike me. I was not expecting that positive when i checked the test, so many emotions ran through me. Sad, scared, confused, was i ready for another baby? Was my SO ready?

I made an ob appointment 2 days after finding out to confirm the pregnancy. I wasnt sure when my lmp was so they gave me an ultrasound to determine how far along i was. They couldnt find the pregnancy so we got our blood drawn and returned the next week. Levels were doubling as they should be and he was able to pick up the gestation sac, the yolk, and an itty bitty fetal pole. He dated me as 5 weeks and 6 days. He seemed concerned about not finding a heart beat but passed it off as me being to early. So i had more bloodwork done and i had an appointment scheduled at 10 weeks for genetic testing. Finally we were starting to get excited for our new little love.

The night after my appointment at 6 weeks (christmas eve) i was making my daughter dinner and i felt a trickle. I ran to the bathroom and saw bright red blood which caused immediate panic. We rushed to the er where they told us everything was fine. Baby was fine. My levels were fine. But they discovered a small 3cm subchorionic hematoma. They told me bleeding would be normal and not to come back to the er unless i was soaking a pad in an hour. They told me to make a follow up appointment with my ob for yet another blood draw and ultrasound. So we left feeling quite relieved.

At my appointment only 4 days later my dr told us the hematoma has trippled in size and my pregnancy wouldnt continue. I chose to pass the baby at home.

I bled on and off for a week as i started to get terribly sick. Couldnt keep anything down not even water and the acid reflux was atrocious. I went back to the er to get the nausea under control and they told me my levels are still rising pretty quickly. It wasnt exactly doubling but very close to it. That gave me the smallest bit of hope and i decided to try to get a second opinion.

After a week of no bleeding or cramping i decided to call a new ob and schedule another ultrasound to make sure my dr was correct about his diagnosis. Before I could make it to my appointment i passed the baby unexpectedly on new years eve.

Whenever anyone asks how my holidays were i just want to scream at the top of my lungs. Its so unfair and i am terrified of ever getting pregnant again. Miscarriage is traumatizing and it further proves how strong women are.

I couldnt tell anyone about my pregnancy except the ladies here on glow. So since i couldnt rant to anyone i thought id rant here.

Happy new years to everyone i hope yours was better than mine.