So I am dating this guy. We have been together for 2.5 years now. Near thanks giving, a guy in my class was gonna ask me out. I didn’t tell my boyfriend because I was like shocked, confused, and felt like I didn’t know what to do. The next day my boyfriend found out and he got mad at me for not telling him. He didn’t talk to me and his sister told him to break up with me.

In the end he didn’t and we continue to date. Right before Christmas I had this weird dream of my best friend that he kissed me. This person is important to me because he was the first guy I liked and we had a thing for a bit until it ended and we moved on. For shits and giggles, I told him. He looked at me and was like wtfffff. Out of curiosity, I asked him, “If you could start/ continue dating me would you?” And he said yes. He said that I was one of his biggest regrets. He regrets leaving me behind because he said that if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have been cheated on or tried to use a girl. We talked for a while more together and we found out that we had this weird dormant feeling for each other. We have been talking for a while and he mention if I have every thought of breaking up with my current boyfriend. I said no and I know this is a trap.

During the time we talked I found out another guy was gonna ask me out but he don’t because my best friend (this guy I have dormant feelings for) told him I had a boyfriend. I didn’t tell boyfriend because I wanted him to study and focus for finals and also have a good holidays. After the holidays, I told my boyfriend about the guy that was also gonna ask me. He was furious. He yelled and started crying and yelled some more arguing with me that I shouldn’t have waited. I ended up just accepting his yelling and let him just bash me with words of anger. I sat there completely just sad and tired and I wanted to just cry. I told him that when he is ready to talk then just talk. I told my best friend about what happened and he really tried to get me to calm down but as well as make me look on the better side of things.

Later that day, my boyfriend asked me if I wasn’t happy or anything I can break up with him. This made me cry even more and I asked my girl BFF to just take my mind off of it. She did and she really hated me but couldn’t give that much advice. I have a lot of problems with my boyfriend that he didn’t realize. Sometimes i don’t want to have sex but then he just pushed himself on to me and I have to accept it’s happening and that I’ll be fine. It’s the same thing with touching and stuff. I don’t want it to happen but I have just been accepting it. I then compromise with my boyfriend and said that I’ll continue to date him if he changes and stuff and vise versa. That happened this past Saturday.

This past Monday, I went to have lunch with my best friend(guy) and we talked for like3 hours and I talked to him about what my boyfriend has been doing and he just looked at me and like wanted to give me a hug. He sat there and just kept on listening and it made me feel happy. I went home and I thought about things. I realized that I wasn’t normal around my boyfriend anymore after what happens that that I don’t have the feeling. To talk to him or see him. Each time we have a convo, it’s like I’m toned out and I keep on replying with one world or phrases. Each time he ask me to hang out I try to make an excuse to say I’m busy and that I can’t do it. Each time I think it my best friend, I think about how I’d be maybe happier.

I don’t know what I’m suppose to be feeling and what I’m suppose to be doing. I don’t know what my heart wants and what my brain wants. I am just having a hard time and I don’t know what to think about. I need someone to talk but I don’t have one that isn’t to close to me. What do I do!??

I have been just crying over this because my feelings are so torn and just crazy. I still love my boyfriend but it’s a different love now. I feel like I can’t be the same and i don’t know if it ever will be. I don’t know if I will be happy either because of the way I’m acting around him.

I’m just so down and hurt right now.

Right now I can talk to him but it’s just off.