It’s not that I don’t love her, i do.. so much I fought so hard to keep her and to prove to my boyfriend and parents that I was strong enough but everyday the pain just get worse. I feel so alone and helpless all the time and I’m so tired of it. Sometimes I get so angry that all I can do is cry and yell I hate you.. idk who I’m yelling at but I can only assume it’s myself.. I feel so stupid and pathetic because I don’t want to be a mom anymore but I hate being so depressed. I hate feeling like my boyfriend isn’t attracted to me or like he doesn’t want me anymore. He’s cheated on me before and once was right after we found out we were pregnant.. we’re teens and I don’t expect him to stay with me forever.. I honestly never expected him to be with me as long as he has.. I wish he never cheated on me and I wish I never promised that’d I’d just forget about it because I can’t.. everyday I play the messages over and over in my head and I just wish that I could tell him how I feel but I just can’t because everytime I try he shuts me down. I know he doesn’t mean to.. I know he’s sorry but I just want him to know how much it really hurts.. sometimes when we get in fights I hang up and just cry and scream that I hate us and I don’t want to be with him anymore and that I hate everything about him but I know that it isn’t true.. I love him a lot I just wish it was easier for us not to fight..I’m so tired of hearing him get upset with me because everytime he starts to get that tone in his voice I just want to yell at him that he did this to us.. but I can’t. I don’t want to blame him for me getting pregnant, I don’t want to blame him for cheating, I don’t want to blame him for the distance, but I’m so tired of blaming myself. I’m so tired of pretending like I’m fine when I still remember every single thing.. he feels bad when I make a comment about him “cheating” on me with his friends but I feel like I have legitimate reasons to worry.. no 17yo wants to be a dad and it’s my fault that we’re even having a baby. If I had told him I was having an anxiety attack we would’ve stopped having sex, if I’d listened to him and my mom I would’ve gotten an abortion.. if I’d listened to him again I would’ve found a family to adopt our baby.. but I didn’t and now I have no one to blame for my depression other than myself and it makes me sick to my stomach. It hurts that I can’t say any of this to him and it makes me feel so stupid. I feel like my whole life is falling apart because I’m an idiot who thought that having a baby would make him love me more.. but it didn’t.. it didn’t change anything.. we still fight we still argue we still yell we still get irritated.. he still cheated.. he says he never will again but I’m so worried and I’ve been trying to get over it but I just can’t. I feel alone. I feel helpless. I feel like I’m already failing as a parent. I’m never going to be a good enough parent, partner, or friend. And even if he says otherwise my mind won’t change.. I just wish for once I could feel like I was enough for someone.. I wish I didn’t feel like I made a mistake by keeping our baby.. I wish I felt like he actually wants to have a family with me.. everytime I bring up our baby it seems like he just gets upset or annoyed.. I wish I felt like I was good enough.

To the people who commented, you’re missing the point of my post I’m aware that I can’t get an abortion. I love my daughter. I’m not going to put her up for adoption. If you understood you would’ve realized that I was saying I wish I did something before I got even more attached to her. I don’t want to give her up but I’m depressed that it feels like her father still doesn’t want her (or me for that matter) despite everything he says.