Just ranting

I’ve been stressed anxious and depressed pretty much all day. I was fine this morning but in the late morning my anxiety hit me like a truck and i started to spiral out of control to the point where i was so extremely stressed with like 1000 things running through my head at once, but brain just tuned out and just stopped. And this has never happened before?? and now i flow between being extremely anxious/paranoid to being neutral.

Tbh life has been a complete mess or like 3 months.

I’m on school holidays rn and there are 2 weeks until we go back. And i’m dreading it so much. I can just feel how bad my mental health is gonna go down because that place makes me so depressed. I hate living most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for everything that i have in my life right now. To a house to live in, a bed to sleep in and i can wake up in the morning and i can see with both my eyes and i can blink and i can use both my legs to get me out of the bed and i am so lucky to be where i am now. But I wish i wasn’t here a lot of the time. i feel like i’m a miserable loser who is a failure. i am sad, anxious and miserable constantly unless person 3 or 4 shows themselves. i feel ok when i’m distracting myself but i know that it won’t last forever and i’ll go back to the way i was before distracting myself. i’ve been doing ok for the past 2 weeks (on and off) but today just feels like it’s going to where i was before. i could tell this depressing episode was coming for a few days. but it just came today. i don’t feel excited for anything anymore. my 16th birthday is in a week, i’m not looking forward to it and the thought of it makes me want to cry. i only want to go to see my family other than that i just want to stay in my room.

I don’t really know how to deal with this i still need to go to the doc about my mental health but i don’t want to talk about it with my parents. i’m ashamed of how i feel and i don’t want to stress them out. anyway, thank you if you made it to this point of reading it through, i appreciate it a lot.