Forgiveness after abuse

My dad and I haven’t spoken in a year. Our relationship has been tumultuous for a long time, and I decided a year ago that I didn’t want him in my life at all anymore.

My dad was a deputy sheriff for 25 years. He hated his job, he hated seeing the worst in people. He hated being shot at, and seeing dead bodies everyday. He and my mother divorced when I was 2, She left him the day he graduated the police academy. He was heartbroken. He took to the bottle, (he said) it was the only way he could “forget the crazy shit he saw” on a daily basis.

When I was five, he impregnated my babysitter who was 17 at the time (he was 32) and asked her to get an abortion. Her family life wasn’t so great, she was looking for a way out when she refused to abortion and told him if he didn’t marry her, her family would press charges against him for statutory rape.

They got married when she was 19.

The drinking continued, they fought everyday. She hated that my dad still loved my mom and she never took a liking to me, and it was obvious.

My dad drank everyday, and was violent when Me or my brother misbehaved. He would wack my then 3 y/o brother behind the head openhanded whenever he thought he was being disobedient or had an attitude. He belittled him when he was just a little boy. I have terrible memories of my dad having his friend over, and they would be drinking and watching the game. He would float to his friends about how he “kept me in line” by hitting me, and they would just look at him like, wtf is wrong with you? All in front of me, I was sitting right there. It was humiliating. The most violent scenes I’ll never forget. Being held up against the wall by my throat while he open handed slaps me across my face until blood splatters the walls. Going to school with a black eye, people always feeling sorry for me but never reaching out.

My stepmother and dad finally divorced when I was 13. That’s when he asked me to come talk to him in his bedroom. He had his work gun sitting on the dresser like it usually is. He had been crying, he told me that he was “going to kill himself in one month.” He said he wanted me to “be ready for that”.

He never killed himself, he got married again instead. That ended four years later. He was suicidal again.


FF about six years ago he remarried my little brothers girlfriends mom. Since then he’s become a born again Christian, stopped drinking, and moved across the country where none of us live.

Before I stopped communication 1year ago, he was constantly asking my husband and I to go out to where he lives and stay with him.

He’s always asking us to go on vacation with him.

He wants me to call him every week.

He wants to be a part of my life.

My father is a very emotional man, and he is very insecure. He needs to be needed.

Several other family members have excommunicated my dad because well frankly they don’t like him.

I made a decision that he wouldn’t be a part of my life anymore and I didn’t want him to m ow my kids if I ever have any (baby dust). My husband thinks I’ll regret it. But I just don’t think he gets how much my dad hurt me. I want to get to the point of indifference, where I just DGAF anymore but I’m not there yet and it still hurts. So my question (finally) is, is this unreasonable? Just because he is a changed man doesn’t change what I went through, and it’s still his fault, right? He chose to drink ungodly amount of alcohol, having my 2 year old baby brother trained to take the empty beer cans to the trash and 2 fresh ones on the way back 🤮