Okay, so I’m not sure if I’m actually depressed, or if I’m just sad. I will probably go see a therapist or something.

About a year ago, my boyfriend and I decided to start trying to have a baby. We went months without being successful. My periods started getting longer which I assumed caused issues with ovulating.

I was working full time as a csr at a very stressful job. It got to the point I no longer wanted to go to work. So I started applying elsewhere. I could just leave and quit until I knew I had something promising. I have over $600 in bills a month. That job paid great. But when the stress started. I started having mental breakdowns. I would cry getting up. I would cry sitting in my car before I would go in. I couldn’t mentally deal with the job anymore. I had a second job by then, and I was waiting until April to go full time before I quit at this call center. So I would miss work 3 out of 5 days almost every week. It became so frequent they knew I was calling off before I ever said anything. And of course they never fired me, because they were in a period of not firing and not hiring. So I knew I still had the job.

Fast forward a little bit. I quit the job, and started full time where I’m at now. At first the pay was pretty decent. $600 every two weeks. Was working out great. I love my job. (I’m a hairstylist) i walk into work with a smile !

After a while I started not caring how I looked. My hair was never down, it was never done. It was always pulled up. I never had makeup on. I started feeling different. Lazy I guess.

We were trying to have a baby and it wasn’t successful. I started getting stressed out about that. My boyfriend and I were having issues then , so it added more to the stress.

August I made a decision to leave. I packed everything up and moved out. Which didn’t last long because a week later we talked everything out. He apologized for what he was doing. And I came back.

I moved back. Everything was going great for a little while. We stopped trying to have a baby. I would still love to have a baby.

September I have my first normal period in a year. 7 days long normal flow. I thought finally ! A normal cycle. Maybe this could be our chance. We had sex, then I didn’t get a period in October. I thought I was pregnant. Took tests. They all came out negative. I figured well a lot of women might not get a positive after their first missed period. So I waited. November nothing came, and neither did December. It wasn’t until January that I got one. And I was happy that I got it. It meant okay it wasn’t my time. Now that, that period of not having one is over I can get through this week. And start trying again. But that was the beginning of the month. It’s now getting to the end. And I’m still on it. 1 year every period except for one has lasted 2-3 weeks. And I didn’t have one for 3 months.

I feel like my body is failing me. I feel like I’m never gonna get the chance to be a mom. That I’m never going to experience a pregnancy. And it kills me. I know a lot of women go years trying to get pregnant and they don’t. But being with him. 5 years of not trying. But not fully preventing and I never got pregnant. Not even a missed period. And the 1 year we try my cycles are completely messed up. And I’m still not pregnant.

Maybe it isn’t my time ? Maybe I’m not meant to ever be pregnant. And maybe I’m meant to adopt ? I don’t know.

And now to add on top of this stress, I have a car that had issues. That I can’t afford to fix or replace if it were to break down. A possible transmission issue, and a recall on the engine about it shutting off. Of course the recall is free. But they stated they won’t have parts until at least March. And then I have tires that need to be replaced. That are only a year old. Two of them are so bald the wires are showing. It’s winter and I can not drive my car like this. I have no help from my family. My boyfriend can’t help because his hours got cut back at work. And he’s paying the house bills. Because I now can not help with those because my paychecks took a huge decrease because I got cut back on my hours a couple months ago.

I can’t deal with this stress, or depression anymore. If I lose my car because my tire blows I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m sitting here crying because I mentally can’t do this anymore. I can’t mentally deal with this amount of stress. I mentally can’t deal with the fact that my body is failing me to get pregnant. I can’t deal with the fact that nobody can or will help me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

And the worst part about it is, I can’t talk to my family. Nobody in my family knows what I’m going through. Or how I’m feeling. Part of me doesn’t want them to know. And part of me just wants them to tell me everything is okay when if I would tell them what’s going on. I have a doctors appointment coming up for bloodwork. So I can talk about my periods being very abnormal. I just don’t understand how one can have normal periods all their life 10 years. And then the year they try to have a baby. The year they feel like they’re ready! Their periods become completely abnormal and last 2-3 weeks at a time. I really hope it’s nothing majorly wrong with me. Cancer runs in my family and its freaking me out. And I know tmi but my cycles. They are heavy! And when I say heavy I mean HEAVY with large blood clots. I know this isn’t normal. And I know something is wrong. But if it’s something that’s gonna cause me to NEVER get pregnant. I am going to lose it.

And I appreciate that you ladies took the time to read this. Thank you. I’m sorry it was a long one. But I needed to get this off my chest.