Medically I’m a mess: I had a traumatic brain injury that resulted in a lot of invisible disabilities. For 20 years I’ve never felt refreshed or awake...my chronic fatigue has lingered forever. I cannot handle being even more exhausted than I already am day to day. I also have extra parts. I have an extra functioning ureter from my kidney to my bladder so I filter urine much faster than your average person. I can get dehydrated very easily because of this medical anomaly and pregnancy has not been kind to this problem I already face.

I also have just never felt maternal ever. I’ve never wanted a baby and I’ve never wanted a family. I’m 30 and I have never seen a baby smile or laugh and had that yearning for one. If anything I get annoyed with them. A year and a half ago I decided to go off hormonal BC for health reasons; I had been on the pill for over a decade and I was starting to feel crazy. Once I got off the pill my mental state was so much better. We had our method of prevention. We’d be extra cautious on fertile weeks and then we would be a little more careless on 2% days. I always assumed with my endometriosis that getting pregnant would be hard...that I would have to actively try to conceive for pregnancy to occur but apparently not.

Today I have my first pill for my medical abortion. I don’t want a child ever and I have thought long and hard about adoption but I don’t have an average body. My body does enough work trying to keep me afloat day to day. My mind has to push through the haze of exhaustion daily already just to get through work. Life is hard and this pregnancy just makes it harder. I’m feeling a range of emotions but one thing rings true. I don’t want to continue this pregnancy. I just needed to write it out y’all. Thank you for listening and thank you for understanding. Despite not liking hormone in my body I’m going to get the Kyleena IUD so I never have to face this choice again.