I don’t want to admit that I was raped

My last actual post was about having unprotected sex (pull out) during ovulation day. (Yes I know I was irresponsible for not being on the pill or owning any condoms .. I took plan b this morning and I hope it works.. I feel so sick .. I’m learning from these experiences) I mentioned not wanting to be intimate with him and that he made me. I’m engaged to him .. I lost my virginity to him when I was 18 (last year) he’s my first and I want him to be my last. I’m not the type of girl who wants to sleep with different guys 😔 I know he loves me and I love him so much. I love our relationship and I love being intimate with him. But sometimes he’s different .. and when he’s feeling like having sex he wants it. I don’t want to leave him. He’s everything to me and I feel like I couldn’t live without him. A lot of you might want to go off on me ..

I understand 😔 but I can’t even understand my own feelings.